Yesterday, many forums and listservs were angrily a buzz about a category called "Non Mom" for America's Favorite Mom contest sponsored by Teleflora and NBC's Today Show. Yup, you guessed it....Moms who had adopted were classified as "Non Moms". The site was bombarded with emails and letters and last night, they changed the category to "Adopting Moms" with an apology (Here is an archived version of the change with the apology in the middle).
So what could prompt the organizers to even consider such an insulting label and why didn't somebody notice how tacky it was BEFORE it was used? Well, the the organizers suggested that the title somehow evolved from "Non Traditional Mom". Was that title too long? Were they trying to disuade voters from this category? Doubtful. And where were the Teleflora Adoptive Moms who said "Whoa, that sounds horrible!"? Did Marie Osmond (with 5 children through adoption) cringe and if so, how did it make it up there, anyway? For the life of me, I can't see how such an offensive title could accidentally make it on the site.
But there is more to the question, why even classify a "type" of mom and why would "Adopting Mom" be a different (or special) category? As a fellow forum adoption advocate, Kathi, asked in her letter to the site:
We're MOMS- if you're going to put "Adoptive Moms", then I want to see "Vaginally born and Caesarian Moms" as the other category.
Why is is there a distinction (as it relates to BEING a mom) and why do others want to point it out? For me, the distinction of a super mom is not how we became moms but how we perform our Mommy duties, how much we do for our kids or how we manage to balance other daunting tasks while staying focused on our kids.
Shelly, an adoptive mom who teaches 2nd grade, had a chance to explain it to her class:
The subject of my son came up around Mothers Day and the term "REAL MOM", so I incorporated my answer into a Mothers Day project. I had my class decorate pages to define a mother (for cards we would give during Mothers Day). Then we shared our answers:
Mom's take care of us.
Moms feed us.
Moms tuck us into bed.
Moms love us even when we are bad.
Moms listen to us.
Moms give us hugs and kisses.
Moms are there for us.
Moms protect us.
...and the list went on....
As I handed out the yarn to weave together the pages, I told them that they had defined a REAL MOM. I told them that I did all those things for my son and I loved him very much. The Friday before Mothers Day, the students presented a wrapped present to me which was a book similar to the ones we made for their moms....it said: 'To our REAL TEACHER...a REAL MOM'. I tried not to cry, but have to admit that I was moved.
Again, I go back to a basic truth: Moms are not defined by how they became a MOM but how they perform their task. Its interesting, the only time I really think about myself as an "adoptive parent" is when someone labels me as one.
Happy Mothers Day!
Kelly
Mom to a SUPER kid :-)
Kelly,
What a beautiful touching story!! You are so right!
Dawn
Posted by: Dawn at May 11, 2008 05:23 AMFrustratingly, on the ACTIVE video link (under Adoptive Moms), it STILL flashes "NON MOMS"! http://www.nbc.com/Americas_Favorite_Mom/vote/
So, they changed the Category name on the list but NOT on the video. YOU MUST BE KIDDING!!??
Posted by: Mitchell M at May 11, 2008 07:04 AMIt's also a little frustrating that they included grandparents and step-moms in that category, too--they do the same job, too, many of them! It could have been worded so much better. For wishing to celebrate moms, they sure put a damper on things with their insensitivity...
Posted by: Peggy at May 11, 2008 05:16 PMKelly, I hadn't heard about all this; however, I am absolutely horrified that anyone would be so stupid as to create a separate classification for adoptive moms! From my experience of being the aunt of an adopted child, I have seen my sister go through all of the same trials and tribulations, tears and joy, ecstasy and worry from the moment that my niece made it into her arms. And my niece is more loved and better taken care of than a lot of non-adopted kids out there! She will never have a single moment when she feels unloved or unwanted because she is in the best possible environment for a child. She will never know hunger, she will never know poverty, she will always receive the best possible medical care...
Something that you did not mention, is that this puts the adopted child into a kind of gray zone... As if that child isn't "really" a part of the family once he or she has been adopted. How crass!
Thanks for the blog.
Posted by: Angela at May 12, 2008 04:41 AMMust we have an adjective at all? Adoption is a noun. Adopt is a verb. I am a mom. My husband is a dad. My kids are children. Adoption is something that happened (past tense). It is something in our past that affects our present and our future, but it does not DEFINE us. I try not to define myself as an adoptive parent, just a parent. If the topic or question comes up, I'll say I became a mom through the miracle of adoption. Yes it takes more words, but really we don't need a special category, special cards, or special flowers. We just want to celebrate mother's day, father's day, and our kids' birthdays like every other family in this country...I don't understand why that is so hard.
I am neither to be pittied (she couldn't carry children in her womb, poor thing), nor revered (they rescued those poor kids).
What on earth makes people come up with these labels???
Posted by: Jennifer at May 12, 2008 03:30 PMWow, this made me sick. I'm a Mom, I have two children, I gave birth two, one new sweet angel just came home two months ago today. I can tell you with all my heart and soul there is no difference, I feel exactly the same way I did about my boys. My girl is my girl, I'm her Mom. I'd also like to tell the social workers who told us that it would be like "babysitting" the first six months or so, and that the love would grow...she's nuts, crazy and if her love took six months to grow, it would have been the same for her if she gave birth to her sons. Eveyone is different, but children are children and those her parent them are parents, period.
I'm really sad that NBC did this...shame on you NBC.
Posted by: Melissa at May 12, 2008 05:35 PM