Yesterday, many forums and listservs were angrily a buzz about a category called "Non Mom" for America's Favorite Mom contest sponsored by Teleflora and NBC's Today Show. Yup, you guessed it....Moms who had adopted were classified as "Non Moms". The site was bombarded with emails and letters and last night, they changed the category to "Adopting Moms" with an apology (Here is an archived version of the change with the apology in the middle).
So what could prompt the organizers to even consider such an insulting label and why didn't somebody notice how tacky it was BEFORE it was used? Well, the the organizers suggested that the title somehow evolved from "Non Traditional Mom". Was that title too long? Were they trying to disuade voters from this category? Doubtful. And where were the Teleflora Adoptive Moms who said "Whoa, that sounds horrible!"? Did Marie Osmond (with 5 children through adoption) cringe and if so, how did it make it up there, anyway? For the life of me, I can't see how such an offensive title could accidentally make it on the site.
But there is more to the question, why even classify a "type" of mom and why would "Adopting Mom" be a different (or special) category? As a fellow forum adoption advocate, Kathi, asked in her letter to the site:
We're MOMS- if you're going to put "Adoptive Moms", then I want to see "Vaginally born and Caesarian Moms" as the other category.
Why is is there a distinction (as it relates to BEING a mom) and why do others want to point it out? For me, the distinction of a super mom is not how we became moms but how we perform our Mommy duties, how much we do for our kids or how we manage to balance other daunting tasks while staying focused on our kids.
Shelly, an adoptive mom who teaches 2nd grade, had a chance to explain it to her class:
The subject of my son came up around Mothers Day and the term "REAL MOM", so I incorporated my answer into a Mothers Day project. I had my class decorate pages to define a mother (for cards we would give during Mothers Day). Then we shared our answers:
Mom's take care of us.
Moms feed us.
Moms tuck us into bed.
Moms love us even when we are bad.
Moms listen to us.
Moms give us hugs and kisses.
Moms are there for us.
Moms protect us.
...and the list went on....
As I handed out the yarn to weave together the pages, I told them that they had defined a REAL MOM. I told them that I did all those things for my son and I loved him very much. The Friday before Mothers Day, the students presented a wrapped present to me which was a book similar to the ones we made for their moms....it said: 'To our REAL TEACHER...a REAL MOM'. I tried not to cry, but have to admit that I was moved.
Again, I go back to a basic truth: Moms are not defined by how they became a MOM but how they perform their task. Its interesting, the only time I really think about myself as an "adoptive parent" is when someone labels me as one.
Happy Mothers Day!
Kelly
Mom to a SUPER kid :-)