Hola, amigos! Hace mucho tiempo que no escribo!
Hello, friends! It has been a while since I have written here!
This year has brought many new changes for our family, incuding a move across the country ~ so I have been
very busy settling into our new "old" house! I hope to post more on this blog and share our expiernces with parenting our 5 guatemalan blessings!
Since the New Year is coming upon us........ I thought this is a wonderful time to contemplate the new goals we may have or wish to set ........ I know for our family, we really wish to become more involved with humanitarian projects in Guatemala! We miss Guatemala a great deal and really, really want to spend some time there this year "giving back" for all the many blessings we have recieved from our children.
I also have the goal to post on this blog once a week. I think I can manage that!
I would like to spend this coming month spotlighting some great groups that are doing some wonderful things in
Guatemala to help the vulnerable and the needy. Perhaps your family may wish to consider becoming involved with one of these orginizations? Something to think about. There are many wonderfu orginizaitons currently working in Guatemala. There are various needs that are being met by each orginization and a family can choose to become involved as they feel comfortable and are able to.
The first oginization I would like to take time to spotlight is one that I have personally worked with in years past.
It is called : Safe homes For Children. www.safehomesforchildren.org
This not for profit orginization was founded by Vicki Dalia, an adoptive mom of many children who felt God's call to help the needy children of Guatemala. Vicki began her work in Guatemala a few years back, by opening up a home for children in Guatemala City. Her home is called Casa De Sion. ( house of Zion). Vicki's heart is for the children who are appointed by the courts and who will most likely not be adoptable. These children have had very sad lives and are now finding peace and safety in Vicki's home. I have personally visited Casa De Sion and found the children so happy and content! Many of these children have never known of a safe place to live until they found Vicki. Vicki works directly with the courts to place children in her home, children whose parents have lost their rights to parent their children. Vicki currently has a home in Guatemala City and is also in process of creating another home in the Panajachel area. Her orginization is 100% NOT for profit -- in fact, the Dalia family support
the home thru their own means. Currently vicki is looking for families to sponser children or perhaps make donations in the form of clothing, food, medicines, monies, etc. To find out more about Vicki's home please visit her site.
I know she would appreciate your help and assistance! The Dalia's orginization is a small one and does not publically solicite funds so there are *true* needs here. A few years back, my Church family sponsored Christmas for the children at Casa De Sion. Can I tell you what JOY this brought to the families who helped out? Truly they received just as much JOY as the children did when they received their Christmas gifts! Each child had a sponser family that purchased some clothing and hygiene supplies as well as some small toys. I was blessed to be able to deliver these gifts to the children and their faces just lit up!! We also brought in a imitation Christmas tree and lights and decorations. For many of the children they had never expierenced Christmas before!
I know that Vicki's orginization is really truly in need of help - so if you do wish to help out in any way please visit her website and drop her a line. Her family spends a great deal of time in Guatemala and she can take goods down with her when she travels. Again please visit www.safehomesforchildren.org for further info on Casa De Sion and the Dalia's new home in Lake Atitlan.
I hope to spotlight another orginization next week. I hope each of you will consider helping in some way.
There are so many children who are left behind in Guatemala -- children who need food, shelter, clothing medical supplies and education...... there are numerous ways in which you can help...... please consider what your family can help with in this coming new year!
Blessings,
Gloria
For those of you who have brought your children home, you most likely have confronted prejudice.
For those of you who are in the adoption process, you may have confronted prejudice from others as well as you have shared your adoption plans.
The reality is that most of us at one time or another and certainly our children will be confronted with prejudice.
I wanted to take some time to discuss this issue as I feel it is really an important one to think about and prepare for.
I know it's not a "pretty" or "nice" thing to talk about or even think about....... but I strongly believe we are not doing our children or our families any good by ignoring this issue or not preparing ourselves and our children for this.
My first expierence with prejudice was years back when we decided to adopt. It was very obvious to my husband and I that Guatemala was our first choice and really our "only" choice as we fell in love with the culture and the whole idea of raising a child from this beautiful country.
When we began our preparations to adopt our first child........ we began to share our excitement with extended family and close friends. We were not prepared for the results!!! Far from it!!!
Upon telling my mother about our adoption plans - her comment was " why not adopt a white child from Ukraine........ or Russia.... it will "look" like you!" Can I tell you ? I almost fell off my seat!
I have to preface this by saying that my mother is 100% Latin American, having been born and lived in Cuba for 40 plus yrs of her life and having a father who was definately not considered "white" by American standards I was floored! I simply was not prepared for this - and I expressed my shock to my mother. She simply dismissed my dismay and chalked up to me being "over emotional"! Over emotional???? I don't think so!
Telling my father was not easier......... his comments were worse and it was obvious that they were not "on board" with our adoption plans.......... their comments also included such remarks as "why don't you wait to have your "own" baby.........." as if having a biological child was a superior way to have a child! ( and in their eyes it was and is!)
To say I was dissapointed in my parent's reactions and responses is an understatement! We had always enjoyed a close relationship and I could see that this was going to be a challenge. I had high hopes they would "come around" once our child arrived home and they could see how wonderful and precious they were!
I was very naive................
I proceeded to share our JOYous news of our adoption plans with my 4 sibs..... all sisters........ each one of ther responses were less than enthusiastic. " Why?"....... They would ask "why" would want to adopt when I could obviously have biological children ( we had bio kids )? Again, adoption was viewed as a "second choice".........
I was so dissapointed................
I had "expectations" that my close extended family would be supportive and I was very shocked when reality did not meet my expectations. I was not prepared for it. Neither was my sweet husband.
I wish I could say that things have changed .... but sadly it is not the case. My parents have continued to choose to not accept our adopted children and struggle with their race and the whole concept of adoption.
Although they are no longer openly critical, there is the patronizing remarks of "oh, you are so good to take in these children"..... "they are so lucky to have you" ...... "you're such a saint"..... etc, etc.
Oh, dear....... if they only knew we adopted for purely selfish reasons of wanting to have more children and feeling like we had love to share ! We are the ones that are blessed by having these 5 beautiful children in our home!
Good grief!
Then there are the comments we have received from complete strangers.............. such as "where did you get them"..... or "how much did they cost"....... these are also disheartening and can be very difficult to deal with , especially when expressed in front of your children!
Fortunately we have had a lot of support from close friends.......... but there have been some friends that have fallen by the way side, not understanding our choice to adopt and become a multi-cultural family.
Adoption has challenged a few of our relationships on many fronts and it had "weeded" thru our relationships..... those who are "true" have stayed close and supportive and some of those we "thought" would be there have lost contact with our family. It's been an interesting expierence and one which I feel we were not prepared to walk thru.
So, my motive in writing about Confronting Prejudice is to perhaps help other families who are going thru the same things to consider their options, and there are options. Perhaps to also share some tools in which can be used when those "rude" and somewhat "shocking" commments and remarks do come.
Quoting Myra Alperson in her wonderful book: Dim Sum, Bagels and Grits :
" One way or another , prejudice often insinuates itself into the lives of multicultural families. It can be insidious - the media love to latch on to negative aspects of adoption - and it can hurt our children. If you haven't expierenced prejudice yourself, it can come as a shock once you've adopted a child of another race." pg. 140
Ms. Alperson goes into detail on ways in which to deal with the comments, and remarks.
Sometimes the comments may appear on the surface to be "nice" or "positive"....... remarks such as " Oh, how wonderful that you have adopted this child, he/she is so lucky to have you! " That may "appear" to be a positive comment , but for many adoptive families and certainly children , it can hurt. Most of us, I hope, do not adopt because we hope to 'save' a child or to "cannonize" ourselves as a saint! Our motives to adopt are varied but for the most part - are selfish! We want to have a child! We want to have a child for the same reasons others have biological children - we have a desire to grow our family - to invest in another's life and to enjoy the challenges and joys of parenthood! At least that is why our family chose to adopt!
As our children grow and mature, we need to thoughtfully address comments like these...... we don't want our children to feel that we "saved" them or "rescued" them....... that is certainly not how my bio kids feel about themselves! Why should our adopted children feel that way?
How do we address a comment like this? Here are some ways we have tackled these "positive remarks" that can be actual challenges:
When approached with this kind of attitude I may say : "Actually my children SAVED me! They have blessed our lives in more ways than you can imagine! You have it all wrong - these kids are saving us!! "
Another effective way to address this is by throwing it back into their ball court....... " why do you think we're so special... people have kids all the time.... we're no different from a famiy who chooses to grow their family thru biolocial ways."
There is also the response of "silence"..... and we have chosen that response in more than one occassion! Especially to complete strangers who seem to be anxious to comment on our transracial family! We don't need to feel we "owe" them any kind of explanation for our decision to adopt internationally!
Then there are the comments or negative presumptions made about our children adopted cross culturally.
I really think some of this comes from the negative media attention that international adoption often gets - especially guatemalan adoption media coverage. ( it can be awful!). The possiblity of hurtful comments really puts us in a position that we really need to be prepared to intervene in behalf of our children.
Our first obligation is to protect and advocate for our children, NOT to educate the rest of the world!!!
Some of the comments and remarks we hear from others may be well intentioned, but we need to be very careful as they often times serve to point out that our families are often times "different" from others and we need to be careful about how we respond to these kinds of comments. We don't want our children to feel that because we have adopted them that our family is "second" best or an inferior way to grow a family.
Let's look at some areas that we as mutli cultural adoptive families may expierence prejudice:
1. Schools : We need to be watchful that our children are treated fairly at school. Young children will have an especially hard time advocating for themselves. Vigilant parents will help here.
It can be challenging when the prejudice comes from the teacher or aid. We need to "listen" to our children. If there is any question or concern we need to be the first ones to advocate for our children. That may mean calling in a meeting with the teacher or staff or principal, etc. But the issue needs to be addressed. Our children should not be submitted to prejudice in the classroom especially from their teachers.
Sometimes other children may also make comments that hurt our children...... we need to be prepared to help our children deal with these comments. I have found role playing really helps with my children. We often times at home have talked about how others may not understand or accept people of a race that is different than ours. What should we do if rude comments are made to us or to others within our ear shot? My children have been taught from a young age to have no tolerance for prejudice and to always stick up for those being picked on.
2. Our extended families : I have already mentioned my expierence with prejudice in my own extended family.
There are various steps a family may thoughtfully choose to make when dealing with prejudice:
- they can continue to try to educate the family on adoption and help them to understand what you are doing and how their support and and acceptance is important - with the hopes that they'll "come around."
- you can use gentle persuasion when innapropriate things come up ( this will take some self discipline on your part as you will need to be in "control" of your emotions when the negative incidents come up!)
- you can make a stiink about things when negative incidents do come up!
- you can choose to to pull away from the family members who choose not to accept or to support.
Each family has unique circumstances and will need to ask themselves what will work for their particular situation.
In our case, with my extended family, we began with the first appraoch. We tried hard to educate and let our family know how much we neeeded and wanted their support and acceptance. When negative incidents came up ( and they did!) we tried to approach them firmly but lovingly, always with the goal to help them to see what they are doing is hurtful and give them chances to improve, and finally we had to pull away from those family members, ( including my parents) who chose to not "come around".
We never chose to make a "stink" about things - because we felt this was counter productive.
We did include a move of some distance away from my parents and that has helped immensely.
We still talk on the phone and have contact , but it's limited and the children no longer are having to deal with the 'favoritism' they dealt with before.
We had to make the difficult choice to do this - because we first and foremost were parents and advocates of our children! We simply could not ignore the situation - for we would have risked our adopted children's self worth as members of the extended family. Our children understand why we don't see my parents anymore and they too feel regret and sadness over the loss of the relationship. It is not ideal , but under the circumstances, we had no other recourse that would protect our children's best interest. My parents know the "door is open" when they choose to change their hearts. I no longer have the expecation that they will - I have chosen to accept they are who they are and move on. This took time , but it has come.
A final choice would be to continue to interact with the family members who have prejudice and deal with it. But, I caution those who choose this route as, it really would take a toll on the children at some point in time.
Finally I just want to briefly share some tools on how to deal with the negative we often hear from others.........
1. ALWAYS think of your child first! Remember your child is depending on YOU to be their greatest advocate!
If your child is with you when the comments are made, remember they are "listening". A great comment I read recently when a mom was approached by someone who said, ( in front of the child). "why would you adopt a child of a different race"...... this mom's response was: "why not!" she said this as she hugged her child! What a great way to address a negative comment and also let your child know how special they are at the same time!
I have also said : " Because that is where our child was!" When with your children, remember to address the comments in a polite manner. Our children are watching us.
2. Determine whether the remarks are prejudice or just plain ignorance.
When I have been appraoched and asked "how much my children cost"..... I respond with: "Where did you get your info from or why do you think children cost money?" We may be asked why Guatemalan's give up their children for adoption? We can respond with a simple answer such as "for the same reasons that women in the U.S give place their children for adoption" and say good day or walk away.
Again don't feel that you need to explain to every tom, dick and harry why you chose to adopt. Sometimes some remarks catch up off guard and we simply need to walk away. If our children are with us, we can simply tell them that this person does not understand adoption. Be aware that some people may ask us questions out of sincere interest in finding out more about adoption.......... a good way to find out what their motive is to respond to their questions by asking: "why do you ask". If they are looking for info about adoption, they will tell you. You can then proceed to share on a less defensive level.
3. When the comments are obviously meant to hurt........ and some of these may come from "friends"...... just remember that "true" friends will stick by you no matter what. :) I had some people who I "thought" were friends make some hurtful remarks, and honestly they are no longer friends. It may be painful to see some friends and family choose to not be involved in your life. But, honestly were they worth keeping to begin with if they could not support you in this awesome time of your life?
I really do hope that you and I will find that those "who are with us" are "more than they that are against us".
I would not wish anyone to have to go thru what I did with my parents and extended family. But, I think it's wise to prepare yourself for those candid and sometimes hurtful remarks that others will throw out at us and our children.
More importantly I think it's critical to prepare our children with the tools necessary to deal with the prejudice they will encounter in their lives, and encounter they will. It's up to us to continue to be their greatest advocate and their greatest support. We really can't afford to think that this won't happen to us or our children at some future date......
I hope that each of us will equip ourselves and our children with the tools necessary to meet the challenges we will face in the future and in the present. Our children are sure worth it, aren't they?
Blessings,
Gloria
mom to 5 Guatemalan blessings
Do you have a little love to share?
Can you find it in your heart to care?
Do you have a little corner of love in your home
For a child who's been neglected and left all alone?
Do you have it to spare?
Can you find it somewhere?
Do you have a little love to share?
~ Lyrics from the Adoption Album Do You Have a Little love to Share by Joyce Saunders Lundberg
The words to this song speak of the "heart" of adoption........... "love"...........
And it is exactly that kind of love that led us to once again to journey into adopting another toddler!
It wasn't very hard for us to not do so! We saw a little 4 yr old's photo being listed on precious.org
A very sad and somber face looking so very sad that it pulled on my heartstrings in a major way!
I stared at that photo for days and wondered why so many litlte boys wait for a forever family!
I shared my heart with my husband, who also was puzzled as why so many boys wait all over the world to be adopted. I kept pondering that for days..... and could not get the photo of that little boy out of my heart and mind.
After a while it began to drive me nuts! Why couldn't I just forget this sad little face?
I took the matter in prayer before the Lord and asked HIM why?!
He laid in my heart the desire to bring home this little person.
What? How could I, I asked! At the time I was pregant with my sarah grace, and the twins we were adopting were due to come home any day from Guatemala! Now is NOT a good time, I told God!
None the less...... the feelings persisted and I continued to have this sad and somber little boy's face remain in my heart and mind.
Finally I decided I would email the agency that had the child listed on their waiting child listing. Surely, I thought to myself, it doesn't hurt to call and inquire, I mean who would work with us - me being pregant and waiting to bring home twin toddler boys! :)
Oh, how little I understood the workings of God!
I did email the agency and inquired about him. The response was that another family was comitted to him.
"Great" I thought! I am off the hook! :)
The problem was I still continued to think about this child to the point of distraction! Crazy, eh?
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore! I emailed the agency one more time and inquired again - the same response...... "he was going to be adopted by another family".
I seriously began to wonder what was wrong with me!!!!
My husband did too! :)
I pleaded with the Lord to please do one of two things --- either take this litttle boy out of my heart or pave the road ahead of us so we could have the chance to adopt him!!! I didn't really think the Lord would do that latter. :)
It was just a few days later that I received the phone call from this agency. They asked to speak to me and then proceeded to tell me that the oddest thing had happened. The family who had been so comitted to adopting this little guy, had decided they did not want to do so. Would I like to consider his placement?
I was thrown for a loop and barely had time to respond!
"Uhh....... well yes, except...... I need to tell you a little about our family".........I thought for sure they would NOT place this child with us seeing I was 8 mos pregant and already in process to adopt twin boys from Guatemala! Not only that, we did not have INS clearance for one more child and my homestudy was not approved for one more.
Surely they would say " I am sorry" ? Right? I couldn't have been more wrong!
The fact that I was pregant was not an issue to them -the agency had no rules against placing a child with a family that was expecting a child biologically and the fact that we were in process already for twins did not phase them either. I was stunned! I shared with them about the twins we were adopting and asked if we could use the same dossier since we were so close to being completed with their adoption. I was asked the name of the facilitator handling our case..........come to find out....... our agency used the same coordinator that this agency used and the same attorneys and faclitators! It ended up being that my facilitator and this little guy's faciltiator new each other and they didn't think it would be a problem for the dossier to be re-used. ( it was re-used for our samuel's case without any problem). Not only was this possible, but the agency personal I was speaking had met our twins when she had travelled to Guatemala for the agency for updates on the children!
Too many coincidences you say?
I told her I needed to talk to dru -- I didn't know what his reaction would be.
Dru was honestly suprised and very hesitant. Yes, he could see God was working something out..... but at the same time how could we double our family size from 4 to 8 children in one year????!!!
I know, I know, crazy!
I decided I would let dru make the decision -- I prayed hard and told God that if he wanted us to adopt this little guy, He would have to work on my dh's heart. I left it at that and didn't talk about it again with dru.
2 or 3 days later dru comes to me - without any prompting from me- and shares how he has felt the Lord work on his heart and that he felt we needed to adopt this little 4 yr old boy. He was still concerned and didn't know "how we would do it"....... but he had the faith that the Lord would see us thru! ( and see us thru He did!!)
That little boy came home 8 months later.
We named him Samuel Gerson ( pronounced 'hair-son').
He came into our life one November day....... a sweet and quiet little person...... you could hardly notice he was in the room! The difference between the twins and him was night and day!!! God had sent us a calming influence to our home and boy did we need that after 8 months of having the twins home!!
When things became apparently challenging with the twin's adjustment -- we began to pray in earnest that samuel's adjustment would be easier....... we knew we didn't have it in us to go thru a rough time again.
God knew and in HIS goodness -- samuel adjusted quiet naturally into our growing family.
He was 4 yrs and 10 months we he arrived home.
He had been living in a small hogar ( group home) in Guatemala City.
I think he was fed very well as he had no food issues when he came home. I expected the typical food hoarding that is seen with children who have not been fed well or consistently. There was none of that, and quite frankly he preferred junk food to anything! It took him a while to like soups, or salads, or anything healthy per say.
He smiles about it now as he really does like all foods pretty much.
I do remember he did hoard toys a lot those first months.
I laugh about it now......... I had explained to the children that this would most likely be an issue we would see with samuel since he had been without much stimulus in his life..... and toys were minimal.
But we all laugh now as our memories of samuel's first night home and how he would run around the rec room and pick up one toy after another and then run to his bed upstairs and put them on the bed!
By the time he was read for bed - his entire bed was filled with toys!!!! :)
We can laugh at that now....... but at times it was frustrating to try to explain to him that there was no need to hide toys under his bed or in his drawer............ it took a good year for him to comprehend this ......... and now 4 yrs later he really has no issues with this at all.
From the start he was a very sweet and good natrued little guy. Very gentle with the baby and younger sibs.
He was very quiet and at times withdrawn......... dissasociating from time to time....... I had to watch him and try to get him to open up and talk about his feelings. He grieved for months........ and would cry at night before bed.
I knew this was hard for him, but I was at peace knowing that he was showing signs of grief -- which showed us that he had feelings and had attached and would in time attach again.
Durring those first months at home, I would set aside a quiet moment each night before bed to rock him and hold him and talk to him. Young children, even at this age , have a hard time sharing or expressing their feelings..........
so I would try to speak for him.........saying things like..... "samuel are you sad tonight?" ... "Do you miss your friends at the hogar"? ........... I think it helped for me to verbalize what he was feeling inside.
Aside from the grief - there was other issues related to insecurities and trust building.
He still is a people pleaser....... samuel will try very hard to make others happy. Although this makes him a very easy person to get along with -- I do worry about him putting aside his own feelings in order to please others.
He worked very hard at "fittting in" those first months and by the time he had been home 2 months was completely fluent in English! It was amazing - and sad -- as I had hoped he would retain some spanish. I spoke to him only in Spanish - but samuel really wanted to fit in with his siblings and before long was amazing us with his competence in English!
We did deal and still sometimes deal with his struggles to tell the truth. He has come a long way on this!
But in the beginning, he had a hard time telling the truth and understanding how important it was to do so.
I believe the underlying fear was that he wanted to please and was insecure in his attachment and didn't want to dissapoint us. He has really done a great job in overcoming this! It was very hard for him to do - but he is almost always truthful with us now. That was diffcult for us to go thru as his parents as none of our other children had bouts with lying, although I am told by other parents that this is even common with bio children as well.
Another issue that is fairly common with children who are adopted later in life is night time bed wetting.
Simply put - it's a matter again of insecurities surfacing up. We realized this after a while, and again he has made huge strides in this area and really has come a long way! We are so proud of him!
This was another issue that was hard to deal and simply very exhausting to have to wash the soiled linens.
We had him start washing all his own clothes and linens when he has done this as a natural consequence and this has helped as well. As samuel's attachment has strengthened the night time bed wetting has all but dissapeared.
We do notice it does resurface when he is unduly stressed about something.
Because Samuel had been malnourished for years - his motor skills were delayed. When we brought him home at almost 5 yrs old he had very little fine motor control. We realized that this was due to neglect and worked right away to do some simple things to help him. Since we homeschool our children - he didn't have to rush into a group setting as he would have had to do in school. He was able to work at his own pace and work he did! I have never seen a more determined child to learn to write! He had a really hard time grasping the pencil and using it to write, but he would work at it over and over again until he mastered it! I will never forget the first Valentine's he was here for. We had a V-day party to go to and all the kids were busy at home making homemade valetines.
Samuel's took twice as long to make - but they were done beautifully! I remember watching him at th kitchen table sitting there painstainkingly working on signing his name to each individual valentine card!
Today , he has beautiful and clear penmanship for a child his age.
I am glad he was able to work at his own pace and gain mastery at home.
Today I can joyfully say he has no educational delays at all. He is at grade level and doing well in all his subjects.
Although penmanship is his best! :)
Because of Samuel's easy going personality - he got along great with the children!
He fell in between 2 bio daughters and the 3 of them get along great!
He is especially close to his sibling , rebekah who is just 8 mos younger than he.
I did notice that the first year he was very much seeking approval and attention from us as his parents. At times he would sulk if we would pay attention to another child. I believe he did this because he was afraid there would not be enough to go around. He never really had issues with going to complete strangers or having any indiscriminate attachment. Thank goodness! I did notice that my 2 older children did have some adjustments to get thru with samuel. Because he came with his own personality traits already set in place....... there were things that would irritate the older children from time to time...... but we made it clear to them that they had to put themselves in Samuel's spot and learn to love him , just the way he is. It really helped my older children learn to love. They became less selfish and more altruistice and more compassionte. I saw growth in them. It was good!
I do believe that if parents are considering adopting a child older than an infant they do need to consider the fact that the child wil come with their own personality already. There may be some times where they may do things that irratate or bother. This is normal. It's also normal to expect time to pass before you feel those real loving feelings towards a child who is older at placement. It took time for me - as his mother - to really feel "bonded" in a true sense. Yes, I loved him because he was a child , but I had to give myself time to really deeply love him as my own.
That does not always come naturally when adopting a toddler or older child and sometimes parents are caught off guard with their feelings and may feel some measure of guilt. Please rest assured that this is normal!
It takes time to get to know our newly adopted children, and those feelings of love will come with time.
Samuel fortunately came with a desire to bond right off the bat. He did not have any problems with wanting to attach to us. Unlike our twins, he was ready and really looking to form an attachment. He saught us out and wanted to be close to us as much as we let him. There were times where I needed a break from this - as I sensed te insecurity within him, and it overwhelmed me at times. But with time, and as his attachment formed , he would spend less time following me around the house and more time playing and engaging with the children.
Because samuel was a bit older , we decided early on in our adoption process to visit him.
We spent a day with him, while we were in Guatemala to finalize our twin's adoption.
We felt a real peace when we met with him, and realized he was one special little person!
Samuel continues to be a real delight. He is so easy going and so kind and considerate. He is really the easiest of all my children to parent! He continues to be very kind and gentle to all people he comes into contact with.
He is especially loving to babies and young children. He continues to be a quiet soul who preferes to stand back instead of lead out and he truly is blessing in our home!
In all ways his adjustement and issues have been much less severe then our expierence with the twins. We believe this is due to the fact that he spent the first 4 yrs in the care of his bio mother and I believe that made a significant difference. Nurture in those first years really does make a huge difference!
It's hard to believe what our lives would be like without samuel in it............. from the first time I saw that sad little face on that photo listing...... I was touched......... it was love that touched me........ a love for this child...... a desire to share that love with one more.........we found in our hearts a love to share.................
We have been blessed with 5 beautiful children from Guatemala.
Each one is a treasure!
4 of them came home as toddlers...................
I would like to share some of our expierences in adopting toddlers. Often times I run into a prospective adoptive family who is considering a toddler to adopt.......... I think it's critical for these families to really think deeply about the risks involved and to equip themselves as best as possible for the challenges ahead.........
Since we have had various expirences with toddler adoptions - I would like to share this part of our story with you.... part one.....
Our first expierence with adopting toddlers was our twins.
Ammon and Aaron were 13 months old when we accepted their referral.
They were tiny, only weighing 10 lbs each. They could not sit, grasp, stand or crawl.
They had suffered severe neglect. They were malnourised and left for hours alone to fend
for themselves. Their food consisted of one or 2 bottles a day - 8 oz of water with 2 oz of milk........ not enough to keep them growing and healthy.
Our attorney found them in this condition. He inquired of the birth grandmother why they were not fed more?
Her response was that the milk would run out quickly if they were given more and there was not enough money to buy more milk. Their plight was serious. They were suffering.
No doubt adoption was a viable and wise choice for the birth family. I thank God they did place the boys when they did. I don't think they would have made it to their 2nd birthdays in this situation.
When we received our first update of the boys after referral - we could hardly believe the transformation that had taken place! The boys looked like different children! 2 months of good nutrition, love and stimulus had brought huge changes for the boys! Within months they were not only crawling - but walking and climbing!
Our adoption took 7 months to complete. We picked up the boys when they were 21 months old.
The attorney brought them to us the day before our embassy appt.
It became very apparent to us that we had many challenges ahead to deal with. Because of the severe neglect the boys had endured they had developed some habits to help pacify themselves - head banging, rocking back and forth to comfort themselves, like children that come from austere orphanages . Bed time was a difficult time.
They would rock very hard from side to side to get themselves to sleep. They would not allow us to hold them or to comfort them. They would scream if we tried to comfort them.
Attachment did not come naturally or easily. They resisted contact, touch or holding.
They would scream and hit us if we tried to comfort them.
We realized that we had a huge challenge ahead of us and if we were going to help these boys...... we would need some help! So, we began to pray and seek God's help first! We asked God to help us have the patience and that unconditional love to really help our boys. We prayed that the twins would heal - that their hearts would start to heal of the neglect. We also began to seek for support and help from professionals who had expierence in working with children who had expierenced abuse and neglect.
Our fantastic social worker was able to get us an appt with Deborah Gray, ( author of Attaching in Adoption) a very expierenced and higly respected attachment therapist.
We liked Deborah from the start! She was not only highly expierenced, but was so kind and gentle and very much comitted to helping. She helped explain what was going on in the twin's heart and head...... she taught us skills to help us parent them. It was a tought time for us, a time of learning to parent children who had emotional special needs. Their neglect had really effected their brains and how it works. It affected them more than we realized.
Thru this time - we kept praying. We kept pouring out our hearts to God - pleading for grace and mercy to help our hurting boys. We started to see progress........... slowly but surely..... it took months, but we were able to see the boys allow us to hold them. They began to express love and hugs, and kisses. They began to let us comfort them.......... they began the journey to trust........ you see all they had known from adult caregivers is hurt and abandonment. They had to learn to trust and to love. It was hard. Very hard.
Working thru the twin's issues was very tiring..... it took a LOT out of us emotionally, and physically.
The twins would have mulitple night terrors....... they would rage for hours in the evening and then wake up various times in the night and rage. Usually dru would get up with them in the middle of the night. He had greater physical strength, so he seemed to handle them better at night when they would thrash and hit and show all their hurt and anger and anxiety.
Durring the day when dru was at work , I would have times when I would sit and try to rock the boys. We started bottle feeding them - even thought they were 21 months old. It helped them to stimulate the part of their brain that had been neglected and also helped develop feelings of attachment between me and them.
At first the boys screamed thru their holding times. They would rage and try to hit me and bite me, etc.
They were like scared little animals - frightened, nervous, unsure and definately untrusting!
But we kept praying, kept meeting with deborah and kept working at things...........
Slowly, slowly with time, lots of time., lots of prayer and lots of love.......... the boys began to heal.................
They began to sleep more peacefully................. they began to rage less and love more.............
I'll never forget when they first said "mom"......... they had been home for a good 6 months...... it was a magical and wonderful moment ......... a moment I will never forget....... I cried and cried............. that's all I could do!
Another milestone was when they chose to stay close to mom and dad instead of running off with complete strangers! That was a sign to us that they were beginning to attach! Yeah! Progress! Progress!
It has been a long journey to healing for my boys.......... they had expierenced a lot of hurt before being placed with us........ they had to learn to trust, to love to attach............ it did not come easily...... it did not come instantly....... there was a lot of anger, a lot of sadness........ a lot of pain.............
I remember one particually difficult time when I was rocking Aaron - who had been really raging and screaming. I looked into his eyes deeply and I just told him " I know you are mad......... I know you think I am going to leave you like everyone else has done....... I know you are afraid to love to trust again." I found myself crying and feeling to an extent the feelings he had been feeling........ I was mad - I was upset - I was hurting -- hurting because my son had to go thru so much before he could come home! I was mad that he didn't get his needs met, that he was abandoned............ I could feel his pain........ and I knew at that moment he could feel that I understood........... he stopped crying and just dazed into my eyes.......... my son knew I felt the pain he was going htru.. simply because I LOVED him!
4.5 yrs later -- our twin boys are a miracle to behold! They are happy, heallthy, loving boys! They are very loving to their daddy and me. They love their younger sibs and shower naomi with lots of kisses and hugs!
It has been a journey..............a journey of love in many ways.............
Dru and I learned so much from these expierences! We learned what to love unconditionally is...... to love a child who does not love you back is not easy......... and our sons taught us that........ they taught us that love does overcome all odds........... and that thru God's grace and mercy true, and complete healing are possible!
Looking at ammon & aaron now ........ all I can say is that it's nothing short of a complete miracle!
Gloria
ps. pleas check back for "part 2" of our journey into toddler adoption! In part two I will share our expierences in adopting our son, samuel, who came home at age 4 yrs and 10 months. :)
The other night I was online and I was scrolling thru the waiting child lists of Guatemalan children who await loving families to adopt them. I noticed how many boys there are waiting for families .
It broke my heart.......... it always breaks my heart. Truly.
As a mother to 5 boys .... can I tell you that boys are GREAT??? Boys are awesome!
Boys are fun! Boys are so funny! Boys are truly a delight!
When we decided to adopt years ago --- we had at the time 3 daughters and one son.
We made our plans to prepare to adopt a son from Guatemala. We got our paperwork all ready to go.
We jumped thru the government "hoops" and became approved for one boy or twin boys. :)
God placed in my heart the idea that we may be blessed with 2 boys - not one!!!
Well, as always God was right and we ended up adopting twin boys!
They were 13 months at the age of referral and 21 months when they came home.
Can I tell you - they brought a lot of energy to our quiet home! Our home was never the same again!
The twins really did add a joy to our house. They were happy and they were full of life!
They added a new energy to our home, to say the least. :)
Later that year we opened up our home to yet another boy. Samuel was on a waiting child list.
He was 4 yrs old and waiting for a forever family. We knew that the chances of placing a school age boy were not high. We prayed, we searched our hearts and we decided that yes, we undoubtably had enough love and room to share our lives with one more son!
Samuel came home at almost 5 yrs of age. He was a quiet and sweet boy. Very mild mannered and
very sensitive to others. A champion of the "under dog" I call him! He was and continues to be a delight!
In 2004 we again felt the desire to adopt another waiting boy........ in came our Alma Jon...... he was 1 yrs old and had been waiting a long time for a family to call his own. We again decided to open our heart to another waiting boy. Alma has brought added joy to our home. He is a happy soul - loves to play and be a part of the craziness of our large family. :)
Can I tell you that all our sons were waiting boys? Each one of them had been waiting for a forever familiy to claim their "own". My husband and I have been blessed with these boys.
They are a delight! They are a joy!
Boys are wonderful - and while I love my dear girls - can I say that boys in many ways are esier to parent?
They are definately less emotional! They are more forgiving. Less likely to hold a grudge and more prone to "jump in and join the fun"! They are also very loving. Boys love their moms! They are just as affectionate as their sisters.
They are just as tender. They are very demonstrative and will often come up to me and give me one of those awesome "bear" hugs that I love! THey are full of kisses and hugs! They are a JOY!
It really breaks my heart to see so many waiting boys...........in Guatemala and all over the world waiting for loving families to call their own. Statics show that well over the majority of prospective adoptive parents hope to adopt a girl. So many boys wait months to be placed.
For those of you considering adoption can I encourage you to consider a boy? They are so wonderful!
As a mom to 5 very wonderful boys - I can tell you that I love them just as much as I do my girls!
My prayer is that more Guatemalan adoptive parents will open their hearts to a boy...........most agencies have no waiting lists for a boy. Do you think maybe you could be that one to open their heart to a boy?
I can promise you that you won't regret it! You will love your son as much as you would adopting a girl.
You will find JOY in so may ways!
I am grateful for my boys. They bless my life. They add excitement to my home!
My prayer continues to be ........... that more precious boys will find loving homes -- families to call their own.
Blessings,
Gloria
mom to 5 Guatemalan blessings
I love books!
So do my kids! :)
Some years back when we decided to adopt from Guatemala we began to create a "guatemalan bookshelf" with books about Guatemala for our cildren. I love to read these books to my children - both adopted and bio. They also enjoy them.
I thought I would share a list of books that our family has collected. These are great books that we have purchased online - both used and new. I have personally read each one of these books and find them worthy selections for any home library.
Also - please feel free to share any books you have found for your children about Guatemala! I am always on the "lookout" for new titles!
Happy Reading!
Gloria
mom to 5 guatemalan blessings
The Maya: Secrets of Ancient Cultures by Arlette N. Braman
Activities and Crafts from a Mysterious Land.
Make a Maya pyramid. Mix up Chili and chocolate, create a macaw headress.
This book has lots of activities and projects for children that will show them how the Maya lived.
Great for school age children!
The Most Beautiful Place in the World by Ann Cameron
This is a touching story for older school age children.
Juan is a young boy in Guatemala. His life is less than ideal.
He is abadoned by his birth mother and raised by his grandmother.
His dream is to go to school and learn to read.
Serious subject matter for mature children and youth.
The Corn Grows Ripe by Dorothy Rhoads
Tigre is a young mayan boy whose father is injured.
The family struggles to plant the corn. Tigre finds himself having
to grow up very quickly in order to help his family. Suitable for
Older Children or youth.
Abuela's Weave by Omar S. Castaneda
My all time favorite story book about Guatemala for my children!
This is a beautiful story of a young girl who along with her grandmother weaves beautiful
weavings and goes to Guatemala City to sell her goods. Beautiful story and illustrations!
Our family's favorite!!!
Mayan Weaving: A Living Tradition; A Crafts of the World Series book by Ann Stalcup
This is a colorful book with real photos of the maya engaged in the various steps of producing their
beautiful weavings. Real photos used of maya women and children.
Great book to teach children about the tradition of weaving.
Simple explanations for children.
Hands of the Maya: Villagers at Work and Play by Rachel Crandell
This book depicts with color photographs the everyday life of Maya Villagers.
Great book to introduce young children to the Maya heritage.
This is a book I read to my younger age children.
Mario's Mayan Journey by Michelle McCunney
Mario is a Mexican boy who falls asleep and has a dream that he and friends visit
and explore the land of the ancient Maya.
Illustrated book for children.
My Pig Amarillo by Satomi Ichikawa
Pablo, an indegenous boy in Guateamala is given a pet pig by his
granfather. This is the story of his relationship with this pig.
Sweet story for your children. Illustrated.
Guatemala, Countries of the World Series by Michael Dahl.
Simple book for children that shares info on life in Guatemala from holidays to
school and animals. Color photographs.
Guatemala ABC's: A Book About The People and Places of Guatemala by Marcie Aboff
Colofully illustrated book for young children about Guatemala. Each letter of the alphabet represents
something in Guatemala. "H" is for Holy Week..... " C" is for Cofee, etc.
Delightful book for young children learning their ABC's.
Mama and Papa Have a Store by Amelia Lau Carling
The author shares her expierences as a young child growing up in Guatemala City.
Colorfully illustrated. This is a delightful story for children!
Six Months in the Same Boots by Claire Boggs
Six months in the same boots is a true story about 2 boys boys waiting to be adopted .
It is somewhat of a sad story - but an honest depiction I think of what is really like for many orphaned children in Guatemala. Illustrations are lacking - but the story makes up for it.
My boys love for me to read this story!
Poor Marta by Claire Boggs
Another true story of a little girl that is abadoned and goes thru much trials before she finally finds
a loving and safe harbor in a children's home. The story again is sad - but I feel a very true depiction of what children endure in Guatemala. Illustrations are lacking but the story is wonderful and ends on a positive note.
Another one of my children's favorites.
Guatemala is My Home: A My Home Country Series book by Patricia Lantier- Sampon
Another simple story book for school aged children with color photos about life in Guatemala for Maria.
Maria is a maya girl that lives along the shores of Lake Atitlan.
A Family From Guatemala by Julia Waterlow
Expierence life in a Guatemalan village through the eyes of the Calabays.
Color photos - suitable for school age children.
Sawdust Carpets by Amelia Laua Carling
Another family favorite! Ms. Carling shares her story of her life as a young girl in Guatemala and her family's expierence with Holy Week festivities in La Antigua, Guatemala.
Colorfully illustrated.
A Guatemalan Family at Michael Malone
This book is about the Mendez Family and what they went thru to leave
Guatemala and come to the United States. Color photos included.
Suitable for school age children. Shares some info about the Civil War in Guatemala.
Secrets in Stone: All About Maya Hieroglyphs by Laurie Coulter
This is a family favorite of my older children! This book shares info about the lost language of the
ancient maya. This is an info packed great book for older kids!
A Life of Their Own : An Indian Family in Latin America by Aylette Jenness and Lisa Kroeber
I found this book on amazon - a used book. It was a wonderful book to read to my older children.
Black and white color photos. The authors spent months living in Guatemala with a maya family and shared
in their everday activities. This book chronicles their expierences. It is excellent! I recommend this book for older children and youth. Excellent!!
An Album of Maya Architecture by Tatiana Proskouriakoff
This is a beautiful book with black and white illustrations of each of the different
maya buildings and temple. There is a brief explanation with each drawing.
Excellent for youth and older children who are interested in learning more about the mayan
architecture.
Tikal; The Center of the Maya World by Elizabeth Mann
Excellent book for older kids about Tikal.
Coloful illustrations.Descriptions and illustrations about the life of the Maya in
Ancient Tikal. My oldest son loves this book!
Hola!
I thought in light of this week's entry I posted I would share one of our familiy's favorite guatemalan dishes.........
Cinnamon chicken! It is delicious and very easy to prepare! I learned to make this from our wonderful Guatemalan housekeeper/nanny who lived with us while we fostered in Guatemala.
I do try to experiment with Guatemalan cookery...... we have a few cookbooks and my favorite one is "Favorite Recipes from Guatemala". You can purchase it thru mayantraditions.com
Generally speaking - Guatemalan cooking is pretty....... the recipes are simple and really nothing too fancy.
Most meals are accompanied by homemade corn tortillas and beans. "Platanos" or fried plantains are also a very common side dish.
Well here is the recipe for Cinammon chicken: I hope you enjoy it!
Cinnamon chicken for 4
4 boneless , skinless chicken breasts
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 tsp vinegar
1 small onion chopped
1 clove or garlic or 1 tsp minced garlic ( fresh!)
1 tsp cinnamon
1 clove ( not powder!)
2 bay leaves
2 cans premium tomatoe sauce ( good quality goes a long way here!)
Take a non stick pot ( that will adequately fit all the chicken)
Heat up a little oil in the pot
saute the chicken breasts
Add the onions, garlic, vinegar, lemon juice,
Add the cinnamon bay leaves, and clove
Then pour in the tomatoe sauce
Turn the chickens over and simmer in the pot for about 40 min or so until the chicken has cooked thru and is tender.
Serve over rice if desired.
Delicioso!!
Thru the years I have heard this come up again and again...... how do we as adoptive parents help our children develop a love and appreciation for Guatemala and it's culture?
Can I share a few things we have done with our family?
First of all we sure do TALK a lot about Guatemala in our home! All of our 5 children from Guatemala know they were born in guatemala. They are proud of this knowledge and often times when we meet new people I will hear my twins state : "Hi, I am from Guatemala!". They say that with a big smile on their face! :) Their obvious love and appreciation for their birth country just shines!
Not a day goes by that we don't talk about Guatemala! From our memories about living there in 2005 to the frijoles and tortillas we learned to make , the friends we made in Guatemala, and colorful lanscape....... Guatemala is truly a big part of our lives and our hearts!
I really think that talking a lot about Guatemala helps develop a sense of confidence in their culture and in their ethnicity. They hear us as their parents talk a lot about Guatemala and they are free to ask us any questions they may have from where they were born to the kinds of things we did while we lived there! Just being able to have that open "talk about Guatemala anytime and anywhere" has really I believe, developed a love and appreciation for their culture and country!
READ about Guatemala! We have a "Guatemala bookshelf"........... one of our shelves in our bookshelf is dedicated to books about Guatemala. From simple children's stories, to colorful pictorial books such as "Guatemalan Rainbow". The children are free to pull these books down and look at them when they wish. I also try read to them often from this shelf! We love " Sawdust Carpets " a book about Semana Santa in Antigua and we also enjoy " Abuela's Weave" by Omar Castaneda. We are always on the lookout for books about Guatemala to add to our collection.
Expierencing life in Guatemala last year was a huge blessing to our family! All of our children really developed a love and appreciation and knowledge for Guatemala while we lived there for 8 months! I realize that this is certainly not a possibility for most families to live in Guatemala! But, can I encourage you to at least plan for a visit trip sometime? Even if it's just a short trip -- I do believe it helps our children develop a love and knowledge about where they came from. Perhaps it may take some planning, saving and scrimping - but oh please do consider a visit trip in your child's future! Guatemala is truly a beautiful country and there is so much to see and hear and taste! :) I especially encourage families to get out of Guatemala City and see the "real" Guatemala!
La Antigua is always a favorite with families, but we also loved our time in Panajachel/Lake Atitlan, the maya Ruins of Tikal and other ruins, the pacific black sand beaches, the western highland towns of Chichi and other Maya treasures. Safety is always something to take into consideration - but certainly can be done with careful planning.
I look forward to taking my children back again to do humanitarian work in Guatemala as they grow and mature.
"Giving back" to their birth country is something that I have always felt is important. Sponsoring some kind of project or orginization is another way to show our children that we love Guatemala and want to share in our children's rich cultural heritage!
Cooking guatemalan foods is a fun way to encourage a love and knowledge of our children's birth culture!
Why not pick up a comal and learn how to make tortillas? They are easy to make and the "masa" ( corn flour) to make them can be found at local hispanic markets and stores. Not everyone may have an interest in learning to make homemade frijoles ( black beans) but you can pick up ready to eat beans at the local supermarket.
Guatemalan's traditionallly eat their beans "volteados" ( refried) but we prefer them "parados" or "seperated". ( loose) . There are a number of brands that make black beans here in the U.S. Our personal favorite is S & W's Carribean recipe. Delicioso!!!! Yumm! For a quick meal we like to serve these in tortillas with rice. :)
"Platanos" ( sweet plantains) are also often times found at the local grocery. Platanos are eaten often in Guatemala. They are peeled sliced and fried until golden. They need to be really ripe to be "dulce". ( sweet)
Although I have to admit that the platanos here are usually not near as yummy as the ones in Guatemala -- vine ripe makes all the difference in the world!
One of our children's favorite Guatemalan traditions is that of Pinatas! They love to have one for their Birthdays! This is very traditional with Ladinos in Guatemala and no doubt kids love the fun and suspense of breaking open a pinata at a party or birthday! We also love to the religious focus on the holidays. We have tried to incoporate the tradition of the traditional nativity during the Christmas season and we have incoporated a sort of "semana santa" for our Easter Celebrations!
In our travels to Guatemala we have purchased lovely maya weavings and art work. They have graced our walls and furniture. We love the colorful weavings and basketry. They are a colorful reminder of " Guatemala". Our girls love the huipiles and "cortes". ( skirts and blouses of the indegenous maya) They wear them for dress ups and love to "play" life in Guatemala. They love to dress up our Naomi ( our 2 yr old blessing from Guatemala) in huipil and head dress! All of this I feel, develops a love and appreciation for our children's heritage.
There are lots of ways of fostering a love and appreciation of our children's beautiful birth culture! I encourage you to think about ways you can do so in your family that will help your child develop that love and respect for the country they came from! I also would love to hear what your family is doing to foster an appreciation for Guatemala in your home! Please feel free to drop a line and share any ideas or things you have done.
Guatemala is a beautiful country ~ I strongly believe that as adoptive parents we need to take time to talk, teach , read to our children and share in their culture. In so doing we hopefully create a sense of love, and appreciation for who they are and where they came from.
Blessings,
Gloria
mom to 5 Guatemalan blessings
It has been a while since I asked myself this question.......... but there always seems to be someone that we run into that asks us this question....... "why Guatemala"........ what made us decide to adopt from this small central American country? Have you ever had friends or strangers stop and ask you "why" you chose Guatemala of all the countries in the world to adopt from? I mean if you really stop to think of it, of all the countries in the world..........." Why Guatemala"?
