Confronting Prejudice

For those of you who have brought your children home, you most likely have confronted prejudice.

For those of you who are in the adoption process, you may have confronted prejudice from others as well as you have shared your adoption plans.

The reality is that most of us at one time or another and certainly our children will be confronted with prejudice.

I wanted to take some time to discuss this issue as I feel it is really an important one to think about and prepare for.

I know it's not a "pretty" or "nice" thing to talk about or even think about....... but I strongly believe we are not doing our children or our families any good by ignoring this issue or not preparing ourselves and our children for this.

My first expierence with prejudice was years back when we decided to adopt. It was very obvious to my husband and I that Guatemala was our first choice and really our "only" choice as we fell in love with the culture and the whole idea of raising a child from this beautiful country.

When we began our preparations to adopt our first child........ we began to share our excitement with extended family and close friends. We were not prepared for the results!!! Far from it!!!

Upon telling my mother about our adoption plans - her comment was " why not adopt a white child from Ukraine........ or Russia.... it will "look" like you!" Can I tell you ? I almost fell off my seat!
I have to preface this by saying that my mother is 100% Latin American, having been born and lived in Cuba for 40 plus yrs of her life and having a father who was definately not considered "white" by American standards I was floored! I simply was not prepared for this - and I expressed my shock to my mother. She simply dismissed my dismay and chalked up to me being "over emotional"! Over emotional???? I don't think so!

Telling my father was not easier......... his comments were worse and it was obvious that they were not "on board" with our adoption plans.......... their comments also included such remarks as "why don't you wait to have your "own" baby.........." as if having a biological child was a superior way to have a child! ( and in their eyes it was and is!)

To say I was dissapointed in my parent's reactions and responses is an understatement! We had always enjoyed a close relationship and I could see that this was going to be a challenge. I had high hopes they would "come around" once our child arrived home and they could see how wonderful and precious they were!
I was very naive................

I proceeded to share our JOYous news of our adoption plans with my 4 sibs..... all sisters........ each one of ther responses were less than enthusiastic. " Why?"....... They would ask "why" would want to adopt when I could obviously have biological children ( we had bio kids )? Again, adoption was viewed as a "second choice".........
I was so dissapointed................

I had "expectations" that my close extended family would be supportive and I was very shocked when reality did not meet my expectations. I was not prepared for it. Neither was my sweet husband.

I wish I could say that things have changed .... but sadly it is not the case. My parents have continued to choose to not accept our adopted children and struggle with their race and the whole concept of adoption.
Although they are no longer openly critical, there is the patronizing remarks of "oh, you are so good to take in these children"..... "they are so lucky to have you" ...... "you're such a saint"..... etc, etc.
Oh, dear....... if they only knew we adopted for purely selfish reasons of wanting to have more children and feeling like we had love to share ! We are the ones that are blessed by having these 5 beautiful children in our home!
Good grief!

Then there are the comments we have received from complete strangers.............. such as "where did you get them"..... or "how much did they cost"....... these are also disheartening and can be very difficult to deal with , especially when expressed in front of your children!

Fortunately we have had a lot of support from close friends.......... but there have been some friends that have fallen by the way side, not understanding our choice to adopt and become a multi-cultural family.
Adoption has challenged a few of our relationships on many fronts and it had "weeded" thru our relationships..... those who are "true" have stayed close and supportive and some of those we "thought" would be there have lost contact with our family. It's been an interesting expierence and one which I feel we were not prepared to walk thru.

So, my motive in writing about Confronting Prejudice is to perhaps help other families who are going thru the same things to consider their options, and there are options. Perhaps to also share some tools in which can be used when those "rude" and somewhat "shocking" commments and remarks do come.

Quoting Myra Alperson in her wonderful book: Dim Sum, Bagels and Grits :
" One way or another , prejudice often insinuates itself into the lives of multicultural families. It can be insidious - the media love to latch on to negative aspects of adoption - and it can hurt our children. If you haven't expierenced prejudice yourself, it can come as a shock once you've adopted a child of another race." pg. 140

Ms. Alperson goes into detail on ways in which to deal with the comments, and remarks.

Sometimes the comments may appear on the surface to be "nice" or "positive"....... remarks such as " Oh, how wonderful that you have adopted this child, he/she is so lucky to have you! " That may "appear" to be a positive comment , but for many adoptive families and certainly children , it can hurt. Most of us, I hope, do not adopt because we hope to 'save' a child or to "cannonize" ourselves as a saint! Our motives to adopt are varied but for the most part - are selfish! We want to have a child! We want to have a child for the same reasons others have biological children - we have a desire to grow our family - to invest in another's life and to enjoy the challenges and joys of parenthood! At least that is why our family chose to adopt!

As our children grow and mature, we need to thoughtfully address comments like these...... we don't want our children to feel that we "saved" them or "rescued" them....... that is certainly not how my bio kids feel about themselves! Why should our adopted children feel that way?

How do we address a comment like this? Here are some ways we have tackled these "positive remarks" that can be actual challenges:

When approached with this kind of attitude I may say : "Actually my children SAVED me! They have blessed our lives in more ways than you can imagine! You have it all wrong - these kids are saving us!! "

Another effective way to address this is by throwing it back into their ball court....... " why do you think we're so special... people have kids all the time.... we're no different from a famiy who chooses to grow their family thru biolocial ways."

There is also the response of "silence"..... and we have chosen that response in more than one occassion! Especially to complete strangers who seem to be anxious to comment on our transracial family! We don't need to feel we "owe" them any kind of explanation for our decision to adopt internationally!

Then there are the comments or negative presumptions made about our children adopted cross culturally.
I really think some of this comes from the negative media attention that international adoption often gets - especially guatemalan adoption media coverage. ( it can be awful!). The possiblity of hurtful comments really puts us in a position that we really need to be prepared to intervene in behalf of our children.

Our first obligation is to protect and advocate for our children, NOT to educate the rest of the world!!!
Some of the comments and remarks we hear from others may be well intentioned, but we need to be very careful as they often times serve to point out that our families are often times "different" from others and we need to be careful about how we respond to these kinds of comments. We don't want our children to feel that because we have adopted them that our family is "second" best or an inferior way to grow a family.

Let's look at some areas that we as mutli cultural adoptive families may expierence prejudice:

1. Schools : We need to be watchful that our children are treated fairly at school. Young children will have an especially hard time advocating for themselves. Vigilant parents will help here.
It can be challenging when the prejudice comes from the teacher or aid. We need to "listen" to our children. If there is any question or concern we need to be the first ones to advocate for our children. That may mean calling in a meeting with the teacher or staff or principal, etc. But the issue needs to be addressed. Our children should not be submitted to prejudice in the classroom especially from their teachers.
Sometimes other children may also make comments that hurt our children...... we need to be prepared to help our children deal with these comments. I have found role playing really helps with my children. We often times at home have talked about how others may not understand or accept people of a race that is different than ours. What should we do if rude comments are made to us or to others within our ear shot? My children have been taught from a young age to have no tolerance for prejudice and to always stick up for those being picked on.

2. Our extended families : I have already mentioned my expierence with prejudice in my own extended family.
There are various steps a family may thoughtfully choose to make when dealing with prejudice:
- they can continue to try to educate the family on adoption and help them to understand what you are doing and how their support and and acceptance is important - with the hopes that they'll "come around."
- you can use gentle persuasion when innapropriate things come up ( this will take some self discipline on your part as you will need to be in "control" of your emotions when the negative incidents come up!)
- you can make a stiink about things when negative incidents do come up!
- you can choose to to pull away from the family members who choose not to accept or to support.

Each family has unique circumstances and will need to ask themselves what will work for their particular situation.
In our case, with my extended family, we began with the first appraoch. We tried hard to educate and let our family know how much we neeeded and wanted their support and acceptance. When negative incidents came up ( and they did!) we tried to approach them firmly but lovingly, always with the goal to help them to see what they are doing is hurtful and give them chances to improve, and finally we had to pull away from those family members, ( including my parents) who chose to not "come around".

We never chose to make a "stink" about things - because we felt this was counter productive.
We did include a move of some distance away from my parents and that has helped immensely.
We still talk on the phone and have contact , but it's limited and the children no longer are having to deal with the 'favoritism' they dealt with before.

We had to make the difficult choice to do this - because we first and foremost were parents and advocates of our children! We simply could not ignore the situation - for we would have risked our adopted children's self worth as members of the extended family. Our children understand why we don't see my parents anymore and they too feel regret and sadness over the loss of the relationship. It is not ideal , but under the circumstances, we had no other recourse that would protect our children's best interest. My parents know the "door is open" when they choose to change their hearts. I no longer have the expecation that they will - I have chosen to accept they are who they are and move on. This took time , but it has come.

A final choice would be to continue to interact with the family members who have prejudice and deal with it. But, I caution those who choose this route as, it really would take a toll on the children at some point in time.

Finally I just want to briefly share some tools on how to deal with the negative we often hear from others.........

1. ALWAYS think of your child first! Remember your child is depending on YOU to be their greatest advocate!
If your child is with you when the comments are made, remember they are "listening". A great comment I read recently when a mom was approached by someone who said, ( in front of the child). "why would you adopt a child of a different race"...... this mom's response was: "why not!" she said this as she hugged her child! What a great way to address a negative comment and also let your child know how special they are at the same time!
I have also said : " Because that is where our child was!" When with your children, remember to address the comments in a polite manner. Our children are watching us.

2. Determine whether the remarks are prejudice or just plain ignorance.
When I have been appraoched and asked "how much my children cost"..... I respond with: "Where did you get your info from or why do you think children cost money?" We may be asked why Guatemalan's give up their children for adoption? We can respond with a simple answer such as "for the same reasons that women in the U.S give place their children for adoption" and say good day or walk away.
Again don't feel that you need to explain to every tom, dick and harry why you chose to adopt. Sometimes some remarks catch up off guard and we simply need to walk away. If our children are with us, we can simply tell them that this person does not understand adoption. Be aware that some people may ask us questions out of sincere interest in finding out more about adoption.......... a good way to find out what their motive is to respond to their questions by asking: "why do you ask". If they are looking for info about adoption, they will tell you. You can then proceed to share on a less defensive level.

3. When the comments are obviously meant to hurt........ and some of these may come from "friends"...... just remember that "true" friends will stick by you no matter what. :) I had some people who I "thought" were friends make some hurtful remarks, and honestly they are no longer friends. It may be painful to see some friends and family choose to not be involved in your life. But, honestly were they worth keeping to begin with if they could not support you in this awesome time of your life?

I really do hope that you and I will find that those "who are with us" are "more than they that are against us".
I would not wish anyone to have to go thru what I did with my parents and extended family. But, I think it's wise to prepare yourself for those candid and sometimes hurtful remarks that others will throw out at us and our children.

More importantly I think it's critical to prepare our children with the tools necessary to deal with the prejudice they will encounter in their lives, and encounter they will. It's up to us to continue to be their greatest advocate and their greatest support. We really can't afford to think that this won't happen to us or our children at some future date......

I hope that each of us will equip ourselves and our children with the tools necessary to meet the challenges we will face in the future and in the present. Our children are sure worth it, aren't they?

Blessings,
Gloria
mom to 5 Guatemalan blessings