A few months ago, on a beautiful Saturday morning, my three-year old daughter, Isabel, was sitting on her swing in our backyard. I was talking on the phone. When Isabel heard that I was speaking in Spanish she promptly asked me "Is Daddy talking to Abuela Betty?"
As it turned out, I had tried to call Betty but she wasn’t home and instead I was speaking to Stephanie, a pre-teen that virtually lives with Betty. For those of you who don’t comprehend Spanish, “abuela” is the word for “grandmother”. And no, Betty is not really Isabel’s grandmother. Betty was Isabel’s foster mother in Guatemala. During the course of Isa’s adoption, we became very close with Betty and her family. We promised Betty that she would remain an important part of Isabel’s life. At times like that, when I was pricing plane tickets to go to Betty’s son’s wedding, I sometimes have second thoughts about that promise.
As I often read through magazines like Adoptive Families, I am amazed to read many of articles about how to handle sensitive issues related to adoption, a child’s history, and the like. Maybe amazed is the wrong word and relieved is a better choice. I do not mean relieved that we are not alone in these concerns, I mean relieved that we don’t have them. So many of these things have inherently been removed because of the manner in which we adopted.
Guatemalan adoptions are a topic for much heated debate. To many parents who have chosen to adopt elsewhere, Guatemala is the country with all the baby-buying going on. Yes, some of us parents know what others say. On the other hand, I know many adoption professionals who have told me horror stories about the goings-on in other countries. As the chief writer for this website, I have come across families experiencing all kinds of adoptions from Guatemala. So for the record, yes there are issues with Guatemalan adoptions. Yes, there is a huge need for reform. No, there does not seem to be enough people keeping children first in the reform discussions. And that is the topic of this column.
For all of the horrible stories about Guatemalan adoptions, the adoptive community must also see the positive side. In my mind, there are many ways that Guatemala’s system should serve as a global benchmark. My story about Abuela Betty set the stage for what many don’t realize – adoptions from Guatemala offer many future benefits to the children.
A recent article about birth country visits made me giggle when I read some of the topics. What is the right age to visit? How it’s important for a child to use the trip as a way to be proud of his heritage. And the list goes on. All these are valid topics; but not for us. Isabel’s first trip back to Guatemala was when she 20 months old, one year after she had come home. This was for Tio Alberto’s (Tio means uncle) wedding. Her second trip was just four months later, when we went to visit her biological and future adoptive brother, Samuel, who was three months old at the time. Her third trip was three months after that when we brought Sammy home. This last time was the largest gap, it was 15 months since she visited. Nonetheless, in the three years she had been legally a Kreutner, Isabel would visited Guatemala no less than four times.
Another issue we don’t face involves knowing about her and her brother’s history. We know all about their family history. We have pictures of her biological family, whom we’ve met. We have pictures of Isabel with them when we met them during our first return trip. And from that trip, we even have a copy of Samuel’s ultrasound. We know what their biological mother does for a living, where she lives, why she relinquished, her parents’ names, her other children’s names, and just about anything else we’d like to know. That won’t need to be something we dig for or make a big deal about when the kids are older, it will be a fact they grow up knowing all about. In fact, we keep a picture of their biological family framed in our house. And whenever Isabel passes by it, she tells us who they are.
Because of how Guatemala’s system works, we were able to establish these types of ties. My kids have huge extended families now. There is their biological family whom we send pictures to and get updates from. Culturally, it is very difficult to have much more of a relationship. From Isabel’s adoption, both kids have people they know as grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins – all people who truly love them as members of their family. We also have one point of confusion because we are also very close to Samuel’s former foster mom, Ana. She says she is too young to be a grandmother so she is called Tia Ana. But I’m sure we can deal with that one.
If asked, Isabel will tell you about how she and Sammy were born in Guatemala, as was Abuela Betty and Tia Ana. She recognizes the Guatemalan flag, the shape of the country, and even the Gallo beer logo as being “daddy’s beer from Guatemala”. At three years old she also knows daddy was born in New York and mommy in Kansas. She knows she used to live in Guatemala with Betty before she came home and she loves to watch the video we have of those times. “I want to watch Isa on TV” has become a near nightly request – one that brings back the fondest of memories for my wife Sheila and I.
As I stated at the beginning of this article, Guatemala’s system does need reform. However, as we think about the issues and challenges facing children adopted internationally, there are certainly some positive aspects to how Guatemala’s system operates. Not to be confused, most families adopting from Guatemala don’t make the kind of contacts we have. For some, it isn’t possible. For others, they, wrongly in my opinion, don’t believe it’s important. But for those of us who believe that keeping ties strong between our children and their birth country is very important and are willing to push a little, it is at least possible.
Guatemala offered us the chance to adopt in our hemisphere from a country whose landscape is every bit as beautiful and precious as its children. We are able to make the quest their every year or two and will continue to do so. It’s become our favorite vacation spot, a place we think of as a second home. Our children will always be Guatemalans and our connections to the country seem to be making that a given.
So to all the people who are debating the merits of Guatemalan adoption, to all the humanitarian groups and government bureaucracies, please give some thought to the upsides of Guatemala’s system and do your best to maintain them while making proposals for reforms. There is a way to keep the good stuff while putting an end to the issues involving the minority of adoptions that put a black mark on the system as a whole.
When we first started our daughter's adoption, I never thought for a minute about her birth family, birth mother or birth siblings. I'm ashamed to admitt this. Now that she is home, I constantly think about her hertiage, asking myself how can I preserve this. I constantly pray and think about her birth mother. We adopted a toddler boy also, this time, I thought and took into consideration ALL the aspects of what it really means to adopt internationally. I truly am blessed with my children, I thank Guatemala for allowing us to adopt one of thier children.
We don't know anything about our daughter's birth mother...we are debating if we should locate her now or wait (our daughter is 16 months old), but we know more about our son's birth mother, a little I'll say I am scared too know, we pray for her safety, but I am thankful for knowing bits and pieces of her and I pray we will someday meet her and our daughter will meet her birth mother.
I really wish we would of had the experience you get to have with your daughter and son, it's remarkable you get to stay in contact with so many people that have touched and changed your lives.
Jenny
What a great letter. I hope we are able to instill such a healthy outlook for our daughter. I admire you and your family, you all seem great! Thanks for the post, I found it interesting and uplifting. This sight is a great source of comfort and learning for me. Good luck with all you do, and God bless you and your family. CC
Posted by: CC at March 6, 2007 04:15 AMKevin,
I wholeheartedly aggree with you. I had the same reaction to the AF piece. Adopting from Guatemala has given us the ability to spend significant time in country and meet and connect with important people in our childrens' lives. This aspect of their identity will not need a grand visit, an unveiling, to become real thanks to so many of the positive qualities of Guatemalan adoption.
Kevin,
I too was surprised at the formality offered in the AF article - it seemed to consider more barriers than bring them down. Many adoption/parenting/attachment books talk about the benefits of an open adoptions.
While all the pieces of a completely open adoption are not always possible in international adoptions, the same framework of weaving your child's birth history into their everyday life certainly can be done. Thanks for an insightful piece.
Posted by: nora at March 6, 2007 02:35 PM
Kevin,
As usual, I am thrilled with your recent article!
Thanks for highlighting the many positives of getting to know our children's Guatemalan extended families.
We, too, were fortunate enough to meet our son's birth family and develop a close relationship with his foster mother, his Abuelita.
We are in the process of our second Guatemalan adoption right now. We are anxious and excitied to be headed back to our second homeland.
Keep up the good work and again, thanks for keeping us on the sunny side!
Kevin,
Thank you for your post. As a parent going through the adoption process right now, it is wonderful to read your beautiful words. This is great to forward on to family members who are concerned with the the current politics going on right now in Guat. It reminds us all of why we are doing this. It is not the government, it is not the lawyers. It is the children.
Posted by: Teri at March 6, 2007 05:18 PMI don't know how I feel about it. I have never been a fan of open adoptions. Perhaps because of my own insecurities as a parent. I don't want my child to choose to live with someone else over me, until she's married (then she can have the guest house in the back, LOL)
I by no means am saying that I do not want to include such information in her life and I am certainly going to include her heritage into our lives but, I am not going to make it our main focus either. She is first and formost a kid. My family is German, Irish, Croatian but, we do not take trips over to Europe every year to bask in our heritage. We do the fun stuff though, green beer at St. Patrick's Day, German Beer and food for Octoberfest and what not but, that's it.
Is that wrong? I am raising a child. Does
the emphasis need to be a "Guatemalan" child? Is it different since I wasn't adopted? I wasn't raised as a "German, Irish, Croatian Child." Will it make it more important since my daughter is Guatemalan? We are all of different heritages but, does that have to label who we are as people?
I am hoping that we don't have any of those problems either in the AF article. I am just hoping to raise a healthy, happy, smart, beautiful, caring, and understanding child.
I don't know...
I will always be grateful to her birth mother for knowing what was best for her and giving her up. I will always be grateful for the foster family for loving and caring for my daughter as she was their own. Do I ever want to see or meet them again? Maybe we haven't had our daughter home long enough (6 months) but, right now my answer would be NO! I don't know how my daughter will feel about it in the future but, we have some time... Thank God! I know I will support her in whatever she wants to do though. Until then, I plan on doing my best to raise that little girl!
I do not want to make it seem like I disagree with what you are doing, if you feel like that is right for you and your family, by all means it's wonderful. I just don't think it would work for us. To each his own, right...
Posted by: B at March 6, 2007 05:36 PMKevin,
Thanks for your comments. It is encouraging to focus on all the positives, especially at this time where everyone seems so uncertain.
I just can't imagine adopting anywhere other than Guatemala right now, as there ARE so many wonderful things about its program. Being able to maintain connections to the culture is a huge one for us. The fact that there are so many wonderful foster homes is another huge plus.
I am really holding out faith that the worst case scenario will NOT happen, that Guatemalan adoptions will continue, even if it gets a little harder. We have one precious 7 month old waiting for us and although we're in the early stages, I actually want to accept another referral so he can have a brother close to his own age!
Hopefully in a few months we'll all look back, recover from the stress, and rejoice that the storm passed.
Wendy
Posted by: Wendy at March 7, 2007 04:40 AMHello Kevin,
Thank you once again, for another wonderful reflection on your family's adoption experience. Our family, as you know, identifies closely with your story. Our 13 month old daughter has not only biological, but ADOPTIVE family in Guatemala. If things go according to plan, we'll be able to spend 2 to 4 weeks in Guatemala this summer, visiting friends, family, and our baby's foster mother (and maybe even her birth mother, as difficult as that might be). In any event, the ties that adoptive families are willing and able to maintain are all unique. We appreciate your sharing the stories of your multicultural family. We hope to see you and your beautiful children again soon.
Gregg, Esperanza, and Marilu Smith
www.esperanzashope.com
Kevin,
Thank you for a touching story. I too have attempted to connect with at least the foster family, as a way to continue a connection to Guatemala. How were you able to make the connection with your children's biological family, as I would love the opportunity to know them, if they desired, as I often think how her biological family is doing, and how proud of Ella we/and they would be.
Thank you.
Posted by: Tonya at March 7, 2007 01:16 PMKevin,
Thanks for this open letter. What a beautiful way to start today. We should all be very proud of our children and their country. Thanks for something so uplifting, I think we all needed to hear it.~Melissa Balistreri Turi
Posted by: Melissa Balistreri at March 7, 2007 04:51 PMKevin,
Our daughter, Mia, was in a hogar instead of with a foster family however, we did have the wonderful experience of meeting Mia's birth family. We met her birthmother, grandmother and 4 year old brother. We continue to send updated pictures to her birthfamily and hope that when we go down to visit our daughter that we are in the process of adopting we will be able to spend more time with Mia's birth family.
I never thought when I went into adoption that I would feel the connection to the birth family that I do but it has been a wonderful experience. I agree that it will hopefully give our daughter some comfort as she grows older that we can answer her questions about her birth family.
Posted by: Joan at March 8, 2007 02:15 PMI'd like to echo Tonya's question: how do we begin a dialogue w/ the foster and birth family?? As far as I know, I can only communicate w/ my agency staff. (I'm pretty frustrated with them at present- which led me to find this great site.) A visit seems an obvious way to initiate direct communication with my Guatemalan counterparts but from the beginning, I felt that I could not visit Guatemala prior to bringing Paco home due to logistical issues (I'm single w/ a 4 y.o. birth son), but he is now approaching 8 months and I'm just entering PGN. That run on sentence pretty much sums up my state of mind right now. Any advice on beginning a dialogue/relationship with my son's family in Guatemala (or how to stay sane in general!) is greatly appreciated.
Posted by: lauren at March 9, 2007 04:46 PMWe were fortunate that our agency did not try to prevent contact with the foster family. Sometimes people have to bypass their agency and attorney and, for example, ask the family for their phone number when they meet them on a visit or pick up trip. While many good agencies don't recommend such contact, I 100% disagree with them and my advice (sorry to some of my agency friends) is go around them and keep it hush-hush until the adoption is completed.
Contact with the biological family is a little trickier. Our situation was odd and it was simple. But normally, you need to hire someone to seek them out. A search on Guatadopt on "Birthmother Search" will get you info on one such service.
If you already have your child home, I'd recommend taking a vacation to Guatemala and then seeing IF your agency or attorney will help you contact the foster family. They may be more likely to help once the adoption is completed. They do have some real fears of allowing the contact in-process, such as the foster family asking for money and things of that sort. I am not denying that. But I am also saying that the relationship we have forged is far more valuable than the risks. Do a Guatadopt search on "foster" and you will find more to read on this subject.
Kevin
Guatadopt.com
Hi Everyone,
I've been following the comments Kevin received after his article on 'open-ness' in our children's adoptions. I've been so happy to read everyone's comments - We all have so much to be proud of, but most especially, our beautiful children.
I wanted to let B know that I too was very nervous about meeting our son's birth family. Before we headed to GC, I was very verbal about the fact that I didn't want to meet my son's bio mom or anyone else in his birth family.
Well, as it turned out, my husband 'happened' upon Oscar's BM at our attorney's office one day on our initial visit.
When he returned to the hotel, he spoke about her gentle demeanor, kind smile and her genuine gratefulness. I was deeply touched and VERY sad I hadn't had the opportunity to meet her.
As luck would have it, on our return (pick-up) visit, Blanca requested to meet with us before we left for the US. She brought her 9 year old daughter with her on the 4 hour bus ridefrom their home to GC.
We all had a wonderful visit. A gift we will always treasure. My fear of connecting with Oscar's BM, melted away. I realized that meeting with her and sharing time as a family was just what I needed to realize that without her, I wouldn't be who I am today, a mother.
A picture hangs in Oscar's room of that visit - we're all seated together on the couch. His BM will always be a part of our lives. Thank God for that!
I hope you'll reconsider connecting with your child's birth family and her birth country. Sure, she's a regular kid and all, but, one who comes with so many gifts and others who truly love her!
Just my two cents...
Marybeth
What beauty! How many you have spent for it of time?
Posted by: Podkapova at April 10, 2007 02:36 PMI like you! Thanks you
Posted by: SilviaS at April 13, 2007 08:55 PM
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Thanks for that post, Kevin. I would like to complement it, though, with the experience of two friends of mine. They are US-born twins, brother and sister, adopted at the same time into the same family. As an adult, the brother was very keen to seek out his birth parents--and did. The sister did not care to know. So it really depends on the needs of the children whether it is important to establish contact with the birth family. I hope my two sons from Guatemala (the youngest not yet home) will want to meet their biological mothers, but I will leave it up to them and the stamina/desire of the mothers whether there will be regular contact. My lawyer is against such meetings, probably for the reasons you cited. I think her fears are legitimate, and I would not want to jeopardize Guatemalan adoptions by giving money to the birth mother, even though the temptation is strong, given her position of destitution.
Rob, single dad of Ben (3) and Tim (1)
Posted by: Rob at October 2, 2007 10:44 PM