The option of foster care is one of the wonderful things that sets Guatemalan adoptions apart from the other popular countries like Russia and China. While there are isolated problems with less-than-adequate foster care, the overwhelming majority of foster families are wonderful, caring people.
We were fortunate enough to have spent a lot of time with our foster family. When we visited during the process, we would rent a multi-bedroom casita in La Antigua and have our foster mom come stay with us (and our daughter of course). That experience was one that we will forever cherish and to this day we remain very close with the entire foster family.
I learned so many things from our experience, primary of which was how to care for a small baby. But I also learned about Guatemalan culture and what it is like for these wonderful women. Our foster mom told me about how her whole family cries for weeks every time a child leaves. And she told me about how the one thing we wished for more than anything else is to have the opportunity to meet all the families. This is not only because then she is not sending children she loves into the arms of strangers. Her reasoning was more so that she could have the chance to tell the parents all about their child – likes, dislikes, nicknames, favorite games and foods, sleep patterns and all the other things that make transitioning easier on the child and adoptive parents.
I know that these things certainly helped us out in those first weeks after homecoming. And I also believe firmly that giving our daughter the opportunity to become comfortable with us while her caregiver was still close by helped our daughter immensely. I know there are those who don’t agree with what I will now write, and they may as always feel free to comment. But I have to issue a call to all those agencies, attorneys, and adoptive parents out there to do everything possible to create the connection between adoptive parents and foster families. It not only helps in the short term, it also creates lifelong ties as our Isabel will always have her abuelita in her life. And we love you Betty!
Below is something that appeared a month or so ago on the Big List, written by Salome LeMarche of Families Thru International Adoption about what she learned after meeting with a group of foster moms. It provides some great insight and answers the in-process age old question of “what should we send down”. It is of course posted with her permission…
From Salome....
I recently had an opportunity to meet with a panel of foster mothers in Guatemala. I learned some things that I would like to share with the group. I was there to facilitate foster mother training with our foster mothers. What I would like to share with you is what I learned from the foster mothers regarding the types of packages that adoptive families send to their children during the process. If you would like to know more about the Foster Mother training in general you can follow this link: www.ftia.org/guatemala/foster.html.
First of all I learned that we have a wonderful group of women caring for our children. The thoughtfulness that they shared was overwhelming. They truly have the best interest of the children at heart. I also learned that these women have a great sense of humor. I certainly enjoyed my time with them. They shared their joys, their concerns, and their tears. They referred to each child as "my baby" and cherish any bit of information they can obtain about how they are doing with their forever family.
The foster mothers freely offered their concerns, obstacles and advice. They shared some things that I think will be of interest to adoptive families. As I mentioned earlier, they are truly dedicated to the children. They shared that they just hate it when they have to go for a month or two between foster children. They feel as if a part of them is missing. They also shared some of their hopes and concerns regarding contact with adoptive families. They do love to hear from the families during the adoption process. When they receive a package from the family for the baby there are few things that seem to be most helpful for the babies. The ideal package would include:
*Some sleepers and undershirts of various sizes so the baby can grow into them
*Pictures of the adoptive family (4x6 close up of each person with their name and relation written on the back)
*A micro-cassette recorder with the adoptive parent(s) reading and singing to the baby.
*A small blanket or stuffed toy that the parent(s) have slept with for a week or so (and not washed)
*A couple of disposable cameras so the child will have photos to cherish as he or she grows.
They stated that if a family can send nothing else, they should send these items. The reason they like to receive the clothing is because many foster mothers wash clothes by hand, which causes them to wear out quickly. They assured me that when families send pictures, they do show them to the babies. They also assured me that they do play the tapes each night for the children.
Each of the women on the panel has cared for children for 4 years or more. They stated that they have noticed that children who have heard their parent's voices on tape, have seen their parent's faces in photos, and have smelled their parents’ scent (via a blanket or stuffed animal) seem to have a better adjustment to the families when they meet them for the first time. I must say I was extremely impressed upon hearing these ideas from them. The fact that they brought these issues up with me (and I did not make these suggestions) certainly left me feeling very confident in their ability, their commitment, and their desire to help the children have a smooth transition.
They also shared that when you send clothing for the child and ask that it be returned when you come to receive the baby, they are not likely to actually put the clothing on the baby. The reason is that they do not want to return worn or damaged items and the process of washing by hand is very rough on clothing.
I hope you have found this helpful. I did get to spend some time with 45 foster mothers over a period of three days. I found the foster mothers to be very competent and intelligent. I also found them to have a great sense of humor and a big heart. The Foster Mothers may disagree with the big heart part. Many of them made the comment that their heart gets smaller each time they say goodbye to a foster child because that child takes a piece of their heart with them.
Thanks for letting me share,
Salome LaMarche
Guatemala Coordinator
Families Thru International Adoption
What a wonderful article! We have had the privelege of meeting with our children's foster family as well. What a joy it was and how full of gratitude I am for those wonderful women who so lovingly and unselfishly cared for our children.
It was a gut wrenching expierence to say "adios" . Tears were shared and "abrazos" were freely given. I still tear up just thinking about those expierences. Private foster care was one of the main reasons we chose to adopt from Guatemala years ago. We are convinced that loving foster care goes a long way in our children's development - both socially and emotionally.
We will forever be grateful to these wonderful women.
Blessings,
Gloria Vazquez-Pickering
~blessed mama to 3 Guatemalan boys and waiting for 2 more little ones .......
Thanks for posting such a great article!! Reading it made me feel good and helps so much while we're waiting for our baby. The tips from the foster mothers about what to send were also very helpful -- thanks again.
Mag
Posted by: Mag at November 11, 2004 12:58 PMThank you, Kevin, for another insightful article. We too had the opportunity to get to know our foster mom and her family well. It was one of the blessings that came out of our long wait during the Hague. The love and care our daughter received was wonderful-- beyond words. Emma, her foster mom, is one of the most caring, thoughtful and generous people we've ever known. We remain in contact with Emma via mail and have sent several sets of packages back and forth. She's hand-sewn dresses for our daughter that we'll always cherish. We called Emma on her birthday-- and she said it was the best present she could have received to know that her "princesita linda" was well. We could not be more thankful to have Emma as part of our family now, and we look forward to the day when we return to Guatemala to reintroduce our daughter to the woman who gave her so much love during her first 8.5 months of life.
Posted by: Michelle at November 11, 2004 02:29 PM
Kevin,
I adopted my five year old daughter three years back. My husband and I believe that our child's foster mother was the best thing to ever happen to her in her short time in Guatemala (two years).. We became very close with this foster mother spoke with her every week, we also gave her money (a small amount) so she could own her home. Our agency's lawyer always discouraged the relationship. Our foster Mom worked for the lawyer eight years and he had also a close relationship helped her as a single mother raise her two son's. four months ago we started getting collect calls from Guatemala. A man claiming he was the bio dad and wanting to speak with our daughter at 10:30 pm. I told him she did not speak Spanish, but was unable to sat much more. We called the lawyer who immediately asked "who in gc has your phone number or address?? Of course as far as we know just the foster mother?? Anyway our lawyer told our agency director that it was very doubtful our child's birth father was looking for her, he advised us to NOT accept anymore phone calls. For us it is an agony NOT knowing who this man is or what he wants? I have spoken with many people who I thought could advise us. MOST say it has to be a scam.. Any way you slice it it seems our wonderful foster mother is involved and we are confused now and unsure who to trust. I always felt all of us adoptive families should have relations with our chalderns foster families, on the other hand I have heard many agency's advise against this. I have never understood why until now. Of course I would hope this is not common BUT it kills me to think that anyone would try and scam us? We will never know..
Debbie
When our adoption was delayed by The Hague mess, we took great consolation knowing our foster mother and her wonderful family were caring for our daughter. On our numerous visits to GC we got to know not only our foster mom but her family as well. Watching her care for our baby, it was obvious that this little woman was a towering great lady of strength, love, and perseverence. On one of our last trips our baby became ill with a bronchial infection. Our foster mom took her to the doctor who immediately hospitalized her. We visited our baby at the little ten room hospital in a dusty part of town. We were scared out of our wits. Our foster mom stayed with our baby for five days, never leaving the little hospital. She slept on a cot next to our baby's tented crib. Our baby had an IV drip, oxygen mask, and a medicinal humidifier in the tent. The doctor brought his nephew to the hospital to translate for us. We visited for several hours every day. We were so afraid. There was an armed guard outside the little hospital and we didn't even know exactly were were...except that we were with our baby and the most wonderful woman in the world, our foster mom! We thank God for our foster mom...we know she is responsible for our baby's healthy delivery to us. We offered to pay for the five day hospital stay but our offer was rejected. Our lawyer said it was his duty and responsibility to pay for this treatment. Our lawyer was Oscar Portillo. We will never forget the wonderful Guatemalan people who so lovingly cared for our beautiful daughter.
Posted by: Jim Koeniger at November 13, 2004 07:09 AMI recently completed the adoption of my second son from Guatemala and while in Guatemala had the opportunity to meet the foster mother and obtain information about my son. This was invaluable, as he had some medical issues upon my return to the US.
I had an unbelievable opportunity while in Guatemala this time. We reunited with my first son's foster mother and her family. We have kept in touch over the past 3 1/2 years and I was able to find her once again. My son's and I spent two days visitng and enjoying Guatemalan culture that a visitor would never have experienced. My oldest son bonded with his foster mother like they never separated and also united with her son like a long lost brother. This experience was icing on the cake to an already wonderful experience! It also gives my family information and realism to my son's adoption story. What wonderful gifts the people of Guatemala continue to provide to us, we are truly blessed!
We also keep in touch with our son's foster mother. She recently gave birth to a son, whom she named after our son (her former foster child)!! It saddens me that we don't have a relationship with his biological mother as well, but of course that's much more complex.
Posted by: Christine Gossens at November 17, 2004 06:34 PMGreat, great article!! I so much believe in keeping in touch with foster mothers that I want to do more to spread the word... I don't know which "end" is likely to be against a relationship between foster family and adoptive family. Our agency here says is the attorneys over there... anybody knows??
thank you so much!!
Posted by: Lisa2003 at November 18, 2004 12:42 AMHi Lisa...
In our opinion, adoption professionals would prefer that we adoptive parents stay out of the process. After all, we usually only adopt once, while they handle many adoptions. I remember being "counseled" by one of our adoption "professionals" about our conduct when entering the PGN building in Guatemala City during the Hague-related slowdown. Even though we did EXACTLY as we were told, we were chastised fiercely afterwards by the "adviser" who mistakenly thought we had exceeded her instructions.
It seems to us that those adoption "professionals" (not all, but most) who surround us during the process, only think we can screw things up if we get involved. We can understand and appreciate their fear. We are amateurs and they are experienced...they know the many mistakes that can derail or delay an adoption. In our opinion, it is sad that the adoption system is so fragile.
Posted by: Jim & Leigh Koeniger at November 19, 2004 07:49 AMWhat a great article! It is great to recgonize
how dedicated the foster families of Guatemala
are.
My son came home from Guatemala March 04 at 14 months.
I know he loved his foster family and they love him.
Their care and love will never
be forgotten!!!!!
We are very fortunate to still have contact with
them. It means so much to us.
Kevin,
Great article and beautiful picture..Keeping in touch with foster families has been wonderful for our family. We recently adopted our third baby last month.. We had all of our kids in Guatemala we were blessed to spend four days with our daughters foster families!!
Carol
Congratulations Carol! Didn't even realize you in the process.
Kevin
Posted by: Kevin at November 20, 2004 11:09 AMThanks!!!
Posted by: carol at November 21, 2004 09:25 AMMy husband and I have just recently decided on Guatemalan adoption and found your site via a Google search. This article solidifies our choice, thank you so much for posting it.
Posted by: Chasmyn at November 24, 2004 03:37 PM