WARNING: this letter contains profanity that some may find offensive and inappropriate. The prologue of this book warned about this but I realize some may not have read that. As with the entire book, the language was used to express the energy and emotion felt by the author. So if bad language is hard for you to stomach, you have been forewarned that you may wish to skip this letter. But I also wish to remind everyone that this is one section of a much larger book that is being posted piece by piece. It is not a normal autonomous thread to Guatadopt and should not be read as such.
An open letter to the folk who adopt internationally
By Kevin Kreutner
We are not victims!
We are not helpless!
We have choices!
We have responsibilities!
We have rights, but they have limits!
It is not about us, it is about the children!
Despite the urge to write a warm fluffy letter to all the kind, wonderful people who have opened their wallets, hearts, and homes to orphans from far off lands where extreme poverty is the norm, we too need a deep look inside.
We all agree that adoption systems are not what they should be. Yet we also have a natural tendency to separate ourselves from all that controversial stuff. We are just the innocent people stuck on someone else’s chessboard.
“Nothing is our fault”.
“It’s the embassy screwing us.”
“It’s that damn adoption agency.”
“If only those dumbass human rights wannabees would just shut the fuck up we’d have our child home.”
It’s all about us and yet we are powerless. Bullshit my friends.
Adoptive parents share much of the blame for what has transpired in the realm of intercountry adoption. Let me preface that I don’t claim to be perfect. Like every other adoptive parent, I fell prey to some of what I will be writing critically about.
Ultimately, we control the whole ball of string. We are the ones who feed the systems. Corruption is a by-product of money. It is our money being injected into the system. So if there is a birthmother being paid, we’re the ones who paid her. If there is a government official being bribed, we paid that bribe. And if we as a community bonded together and demanded change, we could get it.
It is only through an acceptance of our role in the intercountry adoption process and the systems that exist that rational change can occur. Without us, the unethical adoption providers will either run rampant or governments will step in and ultimately make intercountry adoption impossible or illegal. Yet if adoptive parents take on the same accountability we complain professionals lack, we can control and severely debilitate the scumbags’ ability to operate.
Adoptive parents have the obligation to research and question those we hire to represent us in the process of an adoption. We have the obligation to emphasize ethical practices over the speed at which we can bring our children home. We need to realize that the lives of countless children yet to be born lie in our hands. Not because we will ultimately become their parents; because if we don’t take control they may lose their only chance to ever find a permanent family.
All too often adoptive parents completely separate themselves from the stark reality of what we are engaged in. We behave as if we are just children waiting for the teacher to tell us that it is time for recess. We don’t take the time to learn about the country we are working with or to really understand the intricacies of the process we are engaging. We just write our checks, get a bunch of paperwork taken care of, hope for updates, and wait for the call that we are now parents. As long as everything goes according to plan, we don’t ask any questions. This is wrong. We are active participants in the process and must behave as such.
So in order to best dive into how adoptive parents need to accept their responsibilities, it seems most logical to trace them as they would occur in a normal adoption process. This begins with choosing an agency.
My involvement in the community of families who have adopted from Guatemala has placed me in contact with many people going through horrendous adoptions. Virtually without exception this is because they did not do their homework before choosing whom to work with for their adoption. They didn’t ask questions, seek out references and past clients, or really get down to the nitty gritty policies with their agency. Virtually no families ask adoption providers during this process to explain how they ensure ethical practices are in place. Instead we tend to go to a local agency that offers a free information seminar or do some basic internet search and jump in from there. Or even worse, we visit on-line photolistings.
What agency or lawyer you hire to manage your adoption is an extremely important decision. Reputable adoption professionals rely on positive word-of-mouth as their primary marketing tool. Others who can’t rely on word-of-mouth have to try other techniques and photolistings are one. These professionals realize the emotional brainwashing these websites can achieve on unsuspecting parents.
I remember all too well how Sheila visited these sites as we were considering adoption. People have gone through years of unsuccessful attempts to conceive. They wish nothing more than to just be able to have a child. And then they find some website and on it is a picture of some beautiful, innocent child in need of a family. The listings have a tendency to either downplay the true availability of that particular child or to imply that homecoming would realistically be faster than expected. The prospective adoptive parents start to salivate. They believe they have found nirvana.
“Just look at those beautiful big brown eyes and that little button nose.”
“She could be ours in just a matter of months.”
“Look, it is a Christian adoption agency. They even support a bunch of orphanages.”
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happens next! The check gets written. The contract gets signed without anyone reading what the agency is actually promising. And two people get sent on one wild ride that usually does still ultimately end in a child coming home. But how much heartache did they go through? Was that child properly cared for along the way? Were those doctor’s reports authentic? Was the child really receiving the best formula?
I could go into more detail about far worse scenarios that I have encountered - things like babies being switched, questionable relinquishments, and forged documents. While not all of these instances were the by-product of poor research on the part of the parents, that is generally the case.
There are other things that prospective parents need to research before signing any adoption contract or writing any checks. They need to learn all about the adoption process and then test the agency’s knowledge in an interview. They need to understand how involved that agency is with the country being considered. They need to ensure that the people being hired know the system, have good relationships, and are experienced working in that country. The fact that you know someone that loved an agency for their adoption from China is not a good reason to hire them for your Guatemalan adoption!
Just as pregnant couples make birthing plans, adoptive parents need to develop an adoption plan. Different agencies have many different policies. These policies involve things like regularity of updates, facilitating contact with foster and biological families, direct lines into the foreign lawyers, visiting during the process, and even things as ludicrous as whether you can talk to other families about your process. Some policies, such as agencies telling their clients not to get involved with the internet adoption community, are sure-tell signs of an agency to avoid. But others, such as rules for visiting, are not this way. Nonetheless, they still are important considerations to ensure that the adoption goes as desired.
Another good idea is to talk about ethics policies with agencies while in the decision phase. Directly ask them to address things rumored to occur and see how they react. If they get defensive or try to claim that these things never happen, be wary! If they instead openly discuss concerns and measures they have in place to reduce the chances of your adoption being ethically challenged, you may have a winner.
Lastly, ask an agency to describe to you a difficult case that ran into problems. Have them describe what actions they took to get that adoption completed. Do the same when talking to former clients. Remember that the true test of a good agency is not how they handled smooth cases - it is how they reacted to a troubled one.
Once an agency or lawyer has been selected, a whole new ballgame begins. Now is when a delicate line must be drawn between being assertive and being irrational. There is a great line from the movie Bull Durham, “you have to play this game with fear and arrogance”, that very much describes how adoptive parents need to behave during the adoption process. You need to have a healthy amount of skepticism and not be afraid to ask questions or make demands. But you also have to be cautious not to become paranoid or assume the worst.
The adoption process is an incredibly difficult time in the life of adoptive parents. It is completely understandable why we at times become lunatics. We are sick of waiting to be parents and we want nothing more than to bring a child home to hold, kiss, love, smother, cherish, and become the center of our universe.
What could be more pure?
We have to take a step back and remember what it is that we are doing. Forget about the fact that you know you are a good, honest person and remember that you are asking a country to allow you to pay a lot of money in order to bring home an innocent child who lacks the capacity to care for himself. This is serious shit that we are involved in and it is wrong to take it lightly!
I have come across many families who unknowingly become the stereotypical “ugly American”. They all of a sudden develop an opinion that the two governments involved in the process have no right to delay the homecoming or institute any due diligence to ensure ethical adoptions are done with the child’s best interest at heart. They believe that everyone should accept their request at face value and just turn over the damn child. They convince themselves at this point that this is a humanitarian issue rather than just plain old selfishness.
I am not here to defend long adoption processes. I do believe that it is best for the children to find permanency as young as possible. And bureaucrats do prevent that from happening. But when has government ever been anything but inefficient?
The bottom line on intercountry adoptions is that we do not have a right to these children. The tens of thousands of dollars we send out buy us nothing so far as a guarantee to bring home any given child. The governments on both sides of the equation have a responsibility to do whatever is necessary to ensure that the child was legally relinquished or abandoned and that the child will become part of a capable, loving family. If we are to assume that just because we shelled out some duckets gives us an entitlement, then we are opening the doors to the scenarios that can lead to the demise of intercountry adoption altogether. As hard as it is to go through the process, we have to respect the systems that are in place to protect everyone involved. Even when they are slow as fuck!
Another manifestation of the ugly American involves a jingoistic perspective that everyone should praise the fact that children are going from “third world” countries to the Eden-like bountiful riches of the United States. Hand in hand with this follows a subconscious theory that these “third world” countries are nothing but stupid, corrupt, pathetic cultures not worthy of being treated with equality.
Let me tell you something folks… These children are doing us a favor. We are the blessed ones. Let’s not start fooling ourselves into believing that we are saving the world. Children can grow up happy and loved in poverty. Money does not buy happiness! All the toys and video games in the world do not mean that a child is being well parented. And neither does our U.S. passport. The United States is plagued with child molesters, random acts of violence, discrimination, drugs, and of course pitbulls just waiting to restart their revolution. In other words, we’re pretty fucked up too!
When dealing with a foreign country we have to respect their culture and ways of doing things – even when they seem whacko to us. When in Rome we must do as the Romans do and live by its rules. The same goes for Guatemala, China, or Ethiopia. Realize that we are ambassadors for our country and for the community of adoptive parents. If we come across vain or intolerant, it will result in negative perceptions about adoptive parents and that can fuel the fire of those opposed to intercountry adoption. We must understand the skepticism many have in foreign countries because their culture has yet to embrace the beauty of adoption. Because of socio-economics and racism in their own countries, many Guatemalans, for example, can’t believe that Americans would really adopt indigenous children to be a part of their family. It seems far more likely to them that we want servants or something of that sort. So when they come in contact with disrespectful adoptive parents, it adds to this impression.
Adoption systems do need to be regulated and that does mean we will have to endure the wait for homecoming. It means that we will have to jump through a bunch of bureaucratic hoops and have the limits of our sanity pushed. When people ask me how to handle it I reply with a simple answer, “for me, a glass or two of cabernet and some Grateful Dead always seemed to help”. The truth is that those things didn’t really help all that much and that the months we spent in-process kept me from concentrating on work, sleeping, eating properly, and being able to enjoy the simple things in life.
In many ways, our responsibilities become even greater once we bring our children home. Once we are done with the process, we are now in a position to help others and work for change.
There is a shroud of secrecy that often surrounds intercountry adoption. People become so intimidated during the process that they forget they can lose those concerns once their child is home. I have people not want to talk about their agency experience after their child is home because they’re afraid the agency will find out. So what if they find out! What the hell can they do to you once you are the child’s legal parent? If you went through hell with an agency or lawyer, you need to do everything in your power to put those bastards out of business and spare others the pain you went through!
Our adoption stories do not end at homecoming. We are a part of a larger community that we owe a debt to. We must stay involved and interested in what happens in intercountry adoption long after we’ve decided our families are done growing. This is not only for the sake of those just entering the systems, but also for our children. If we don’t fight the scumbags and corruption grows, what will we tell our children? How will we explain to them why it is that Americans can no longer adopt from their country of birth? How will we make them confident that their adoption was clean and that there is not some family in another country still trying to recover from the loss of their kidnapped child?
We also have a responsibility as it relates to the community-at-large. Like it or not, we are ambassadors for intercountry adoption. The general populace is interested in how we grew our families. Their curiosity is a byproduct of many things they have read, seen on television, heard third hand, etc. We have the responsibility to not be offended by their improper terms and innuendos. We have to be more open than others in how we deal with curious strangers. True, how we formed our families is none of their business. But on the other hand, it is something we should be proud of. We should use their interest and curiosity as an opportunity to educate them and make them more informed. While it may seem to be an inconvenience and breach of our right to privacy, in the end it will make the world our children live in more accepting of our families.
Lastly there is the responsibility to our children who have to grow up confident and comfortable with whom they are. Admittedly, I am no psychiatrist and there are probably studies contradicting some of my conclusions. So take them with a grain of salt but this is my chance for a soapbox. Obviously, parents in interracial families must at some point be open to their children about being adopted. But there is much more to it beyond just letting the kids know. We can make adoption an important part of their lives. We can make sure to keep parts of their birth country alive in their hearts. We can take openness to another step where we make them proud of who they are, how they came to our families, and where they came from. Remember that children take in an awful lot more than many give them credit for. When they see a parent open about their adoption, visiting their birth country, and remaining involved in the adoption community, they realize that they are special in a positive way. But if a parent takes the stance that strangers asking questions are a nuisance, paying no attention to their birth country and culture, and seemingly trying to “be like everyone else”, I believe it can cause or more likely enhance doubts and natural concerns about who they are.
In conclusion, we are very special people. We have opened out hearts, minds, and bank accounts to children we share nothing in common with. And we love them more than the average Joe could ever know. We go through an extremely traumatic process, suffer before entering it, and remain involved in it voluntarily or involuntarily for the rest of our lives. Being adoptive parents does make us unique. Having interracial families makes us even more unique. And we will be tested on these things for the rest of our lives. I always try to follow a rule where I hold myself to a higher standard than I expect of strangers. For this reason, we all need to realize the responsibilities we have. We are ambassadors to our children’s birth country, to the foes of intercountry adoption, to the general populace domestically, and most importantly to the psychological well being of our children. We’re not superheroes but at times we must behave as such. After all, it takes courage, strength, endurance, and a whole bunch of good karma to successfully navigate the path of the adoptive family.
Stay pure!
OH GOSH ~ These are the EXACT words I have wanted to express and could never ~ YOU ARE SO RIGHT ON with this ~ THANK YOU for this view, this expression ~ SO LONG overdue ~ so needed ~ should be in all required reading for every adoptive parent to remind us ~ keep clear perspective ~ !!! GREAT JOB ~ THANK YOU!!!
Catherine
Thanks. I found myself in this article several times! I researched and researched other countries but I just assumed things about Guatemala. BIG MISTAKE! Our adoption has been a terrible experience. And had I done my research on Guat, we would not be in our current situations.
Posted by: Laura at April 18, 2006 09:41 PMKevin, some good thoughts. But I must say I feel so sorry that you have run into so many seemingly ignorant adoptive parents. I know myself and the myriad of other adoptive parents I know did, in fact, research our agencies and had good, albeit difficult, adoption processes. We are the first to tell people how blessed we are for the privelege of adopting our children. We knew the process before going in and feel great gratitude to the birthmothers for entrusting us with their babies. Maybe it is the area I come from or a coincidence, I don't know. But how sad that you feel so many adoptive parents go into this so arrogantly. How sad that you feel there is such a need to adjust the attitudes of a group of people. I guess I feel that I will take the lead for my future actions concerning adoption from my daughter. I can't tell you how I will definitely handle adoption issues when she is 8 or 10 or 12 because I think some of that decision is hers. I can say that I will make sure she understands that I am open to her decisions and that we will work as a team in any future actions we take. I meet the future with an open mind and heart and with a healthy uncertaintly of what it will bring. I cannot be so certain as to how I will behave as part of the adoption community because my partner in that journey is just now learning to speak her first words. Stay pure - I don't know what that means. Staying focused on the little girl entrusted to me as I know her birthmother would want is my goal. Where that will lead, only God knows.
Posted by: L. at April 19, 2006 01:41 AMHave to say I stopped reading your article not 10 lines in due to the completely unnecessary profanity. Never really understood why people feel they have to use this kind of language to get their point across, and I won't endorse its use by reading or supporting your letter.
Posted by: L.D. at April 19, 2006 09:37 AMI second the bit about being on the look-out for defensive and/or "that NEVER happens" answers from agency. I would also add answers to questions about ethics that seem a bit too cleaned up for marketing purposes. This IS a red flag.
I did the research and asked the questions about ethics. I remember questioning the defensive nature of the answers and I remember questioning words like "absolutely not" and "never".
BUT the emotional part of me that wanted to be a parent more than anything convinced the analytical, social-justice seeking part of me that I must have phrased the question in a way that brought on the defensiveness. DO NOT BE MADE TO FEEL GUILTY OR LIKE A CONSPIRACY THEORIST OR PRESSURED INTO SILENCE. As Kevin says, asking the hard questions about ethics is not only our right but our responsibility.
At subsequent agency interviews, I limited and watered down my questions and thus still didn't get at the real issues.
Hoping someone can learn from my uncharacteristic timidity,
Jennifer
Kevin,
I agree with you that we do have a great responsibilty to stay active and involved in the Guatemalan adoption community AFTER our children do come home!!
I personally feel that I have been soooo blessed by these 5 beuautiful children - how can I not want to give back??? I encourage all parents to please stay active and involved in their local adoption support groups and also online on the guat adopt list serves and boards out there.
There is so much we can do to ensure that there is a future for ICA.
Blessings,
Gloria
mom to 5 Guatemalan blessings
Although I began to get your point, your use of profanity was unecessary and showed a lack of class. Your generalization of a group of people may have some merit in some areas but not in all. The adoptive families I know still maintain a great interest in the affairs of Guatemala. None of the families I associate with have a "pat me on the back" type attitude. In fact, even ones who have had a difficult experience will only discuss the blessing their child is unless actually pressed for details of their difficulties.
I am sorry for your experience with those who seemed to have soured your opinions. I respect your right to use whatever language you deem appropriate however, you lost me as a reader not to far into your work.
As for me personally? Yes I am very active not only in Guatemala adoptions still (Forums, Listservs, groups, The Guatemala Adoption Blog) but I am an avid reader of the daily news sources from Guatemala, I am active in taking groups to Guatemala to serve each year, etc. So I understand your point just not your means of making it.
Posted by: Cody Mummau - The Moose at April 20, 2006 10:32 AMOn the topic of profanity, let me just say that everyone was warned. I am not going to defend it or apologize and I agree that it is not "necessary" in writing something like this. However, every writer has their own method. I write with emotion and honesty from a direct chain of thought. I go straight from the heart and don't give tons of thought to every word I write (maybe I should but it's not my way).
Since high school, when I began my writing habit, my style has been polarizing. On one hand, people love my overall communication and conversational tone. On the other hand, my direct, no-holds-barred technique offends some people some of the time. For me, I can't separate the two unless it becomes a chore rather than a hobby. I don't have the time or energy for my chores. And in te case of profanity, some people aren't so personally bothered by it even if they don't use such language themselves. I'd point to Gloria's comments as evidence of that.
I will however add that it is wrong to make a personal attack on me for it, which saying I have no class does appear to be. Agree, disagree, comment - it's all good. But try not to insult me. The letter contains a warning. If profanity isn't for you and you can't get past it, then don't read it. But don't take the fact that we view some things differently as a reason to insult me. That's not cool.
I think that some folks are misreading my view on adoptive parents. Let me say that most every adoptive family I know does not display any of the things I wrote about. And of course my writing style is somewhat sensationalized. But we also need to remember that we in the e-adoption world are only a small fraciton of all the adoptive parents. Think back to gotcha trips and stays at the Marriott - all the people who didn't know what the Big List was. There are 3-4,000 adoptions from Guatemala a year - most of them drift off once the kids are home if they ever looked at the big picture at all. And I also must say that I think Guatemalan-adoptive families are much more proactive than those of other countries.
Read the letter frm a global perspective rather than as an individual and I think it may come through better (and skip any four letter words :-) )The Open Letters are written to address concerns. All of them combined are designed to paint a picture of how adoption "should" be. They are not designed to be an attack on any single NGO, adoption provider, or adoptive family. I do not want any of the hundreds if not thousands of people I have corresponded with to read this thinking I was writing about them.
Kevin
Posted by: Kevin at April 20, 2006 11:58 AMkevin,
I once again agree that I believe that a vast group of adoptive parents do slip into the routine of every day living once their children are home. It's natural to do so. I have been active on the yahoo group for years and how many stay active and involved after their children are home? So very precious few. I also feel very strongly that the ones that have completed their adoptions are the ones that really do need to stay tuned in and active in the guat adopt community! Prospective adoptive parents really do need to hear their voices and gleen from their expierences. They are valued and needed!
I personally don't feel that you were being critical of anyone - just merely challening us to stay involved, stay active and stay passionate about our children's birth country, about their culture and about ICA in Guatemala in general.
On the note of profanity - you clearly stated that this article would have profanity and warned readers of it's content. If families are offended by such language, they can make the choice to not read the article. I personally do *not* use profanity in my conversations and I read your post. I took personal responsibility and made the choice to read your post -- knowing fully that there would be profanity.
I knew what point you were trying to make and could read past the language and feel the intent of the article.
I beleive we all have a duty to do our part ( whatever that may be) to stay connected in some way. That is the least we can do, right?
Blessings,
gloria
mom to 5 Guatemalan blessings
I think it a bit ridiculous to read a “warning” of an author and then chastise he/she because one didn’t heed!! There should be no “political correctness” in education or international adoption, if we are to truly understand the complex nature of the beast.
It is easy to “circle the wagon” with those dedicated and committed families that we all know. Kevin’s challenge is to those who do not read the forums, blogs, or international news. Try to legitimately change policy and perspective as Kevin has done in the past and still does to this day, and one will clearly recognize the frustration displayed in this “small” section of a much larger book!! Hopefully this isn’t the first part of the book that some have read.
I would hope that most of our readers would understand that many of our posts are to get people to think. Its true that many families who read this now are those who have chosen to stay involved and concerned for the future of adoptions. But there are PLENTY of folks who have shown extremely poor judgement all through their process....and most without a concern in the world to the effects.
I realize that we all make mistakes in judgement and assumptions. So, I suspect even the best intentioned has had a lapse in judgement and fell victim to skipping the due diligence. It is the willingness to learn from mistakes and help others avoid them that I feel is our responsibility to the future of adoptions. A good bite of humble pie never hurt anyone.
I belive that is why Kevin uses the word "we" instead of "you".
Hey guys no chastising from me. I just simply said that by the time I had reached his points I was turned off by the profanity. It's my opinion, I recognize his right to write as he pleases. I actually agree with much of what he said but felt that some, maybe some who really need to read it, may not read it due to the method or the "warning." Just my $0.02 and I am well aware that it won't buy much but hey that is what the comment section is for!
Posted by: Cody Mummau at April 21, 2006 11:52 AMi believe that the process of adoption from guatemala is unnecessarily convoluted and complicated.
i believe the people involved at various stages have a vested interest in making it so. prospective adoptive parents and babies are just pawns in a big money game.
to blame parents for somehow not doing enough to improve the process is denying the reality of the limited role we play as compared to the attorneys, governments, courts and immigration bureaucracies.
Paul,
Couldn't agree with you more, and most of the points made could easily have been applied to those you mention. I think "good" people initially get involved in adoption for the "right" reasons, however, there is something about the "institution" of adoption that distorts the intentions of even the very best.
It will be interesting to watch the moves that agencies make with the impending ratification of the Hague. We're already seeing both "reduced" fees, "increased" fees, and heavier case loads. Now, do they really wish to match more needy children with families or is it becoming a "fire drill" for every last dime???
Posted by: Troy Webb at April 23, 2006 10:31 AMI guess I am a little offended. My husband and I did not know about the forums and did not have information on agencies when we decided to adopt. However, I do not think we went into it lightly. We had friends who had used our agency to adopt from China and their process was a smooth as an adoption gets. They brought home an 8 month old from China, that is very young for China.
SO that is why we chose our agency.
I think that the problem was that we thought that the adoption process from Guat was the same as from China...very streamlined, very consistent, very organized.
The problem with Guatemala is that it is such a game and the rules change constantly and maybe peoples palms get greased. That is just my opinion.
Our case is full of errors and problems. The baby we are in the process of adopting is turning one soon and stuck in a PGN investigation. I will not take the blame for this. Based on what information we had at the time we made the best decision and the most researched decision we could. I do not need a lump of guilt on top of it.
I think that it is not our fault that we are having problems. We did not use a bad agency on purpose- who would? We definately will be vocal about it once it is finished so that not one will experience what we experiences.
To be honest a few of the problems were definately with the "process" or "system" and not necessarily the agency.
Jennifer
Posted by: Jennifer at April 26, 2006 06:34 PM"I have come across many families who unknowingly become the stereotypical “ugly American”. They all of a sudden develop an opinion that the two governments involved in the process have no right to delay the homecoming or institute any due diligence to ensure ethical adoptions are done with the child’s best interest at heart. They believe that everyone should accept their request at face value and just turn over the damn child. They convince themselves at this point that this is a humanitarian issue rather than just plain old selfishness."
I have never gathered this selfishness from anyone who is adopting a child, especially those like myself and Jennifer that are trying to overcome "nontypical" cases, which by the way, any agency would be taking a risk to tell prospective clients about up front, and usually don't.
I have only heard the scenarios you speak of from the people who are on the outside looking in, trust me, because I have to listen to it all the time.
And to anyone who happens to be researching adoption and has read Kevin's latest installment, please don't take this one negative episode out of context. He is a very good writer, who provides a very poignant, sensitive point of view about his own journey through adoption, and I encourage you to go back and read previous installments.
Posted by: js at April 27, 2006 02:33 PMFor every "ugly" American instance, I have met hundreds of very special people. Unfortunately, I *have* met those who inadvertently turned themselves into the "ugly" American by rejecting agency requests to stay within the hotel during visits(because they did not understand) or whining about situations that were beyond anyone's control. Some have let it carry over to hotel staff or taxi drivers (whether legitimate complaints or just irritations). They do not see that they are doing it! But the impression left is not of the hundreds of excited, loving parents necessarily. 1 bad impression can feed a storm of negativity, IMO.
My advice is to always be the smiling, doting parents no matter WHAT (at least in public). Even a public disagreement between you and your spouse about your baby's poop consistency can be can be misinterpreted.
Plus respecting the culture takes research and effort. Again, some parents don't worry about what they wear or how they dress their newly adopted children....but it is a LOUD statement to those in Guatemala.
Posted by: Kelly (Guatadopt.com) at April 28, 2006 08:11 AMI think the point of the letter is not to make people feel guilty for choosing an agency that is having trouble with the adoption process. He is saying that we can't complain about a process that appears to be greatly flawed without trying to take some action to improve it. Many families go thru the process thinking bribery is OK and to be expected in the Guatemalan culture - these are the same people who would never think of bribing here. Getting a child home can make some people desparate and do anything. A conversation with the director of my orphanage really opened my eyes about the process and what is going on in Guatemala concerning adoptions. I think the majority of people working there are good, but we need to manage the corrupt. This means asking the right questions of your agency, like Kevin says. Don't work with an agency just because their timelines are short - look at short timelines as a POSSIBLE red flag and ask the questions to make sure they are doing things in an ethical manner. Giving your money to those who are unethical is feeding the problem. Thanks for the letter Kevin.
Posted by: molly at May 1, 2006 01:58 PMAs usual, you go out of your way to be the most insulting person I have come across during our process. You simply have nothing better to do than to create problems and accuse adoptive parents of being selfish and thoughtless.
In response to your absolutely idiotic comments:
Some adoptive parents are victims - victims of their agencies incompetence, victims of their attornies incompetence, victims of our governments inability to make concrete decisions and victims of closed minded idiots that try to prevent these adoptions and deny children a home.
Adoptive parents are not helpless but people like you shame them into thinking they cannot do anything to change the process and then accuse them of being at fault for how the process occurs because they are paying the money to have a family. This is a big reason why so many remain blindly compliant.
As far as your comment about the Embassy is screwing us. That is absolutely correct. They are an extension of our government and no one can deny the incompetence there. Their inability to make decisions is their fault and their fault alone and we have a right to insist that they get their act together and grow a spine.
Many times it is "that damn agency". They forget that they are supposed to be working in your best interest and need to be reminded of that. You do all the research you can to find a good agency and still end up with one that treats you like you have no right to remain a part of the process.
There is not an adoptive parent out there who believes it is all about us. If we were that selfish we would not be doing what we are doing.
We do not control the "whole ball of string". We are not given a choice, whether it is adoption within our own country or in a foreign country. You do as they ask, or you remain childless. The mothers that are paid when they give up their children are paid by people outside of our reach. By the way, birth mothers here are paid as well in the form of adoptive parents paying for prenatal care, her living expenses, etc. - I don't hear you mentioning that.
If you have a problem with how they handle the process, instead of berrating the adoptive parents, grow a spine and stand up against the people that designed it. Don't wait for others to join you. No one will. If you approached it correctly people would join with you but your behavior drives them away. Someone else will get the backing to rail against the machine as it is our right and responsibility to do as citizens of this country and this world.
What is wrong with parents loving the "little button noses" they see or to have hope that their process will not be riddled with problems. Most people who go this route have been trying for years to have children. They deserve to have hope that they will finally have the family they have been dreaming of for quite some time.
No one takes their adoption process "lightly" either and for you to assume that is pure stupidity on your part. No matter how smoothly your process goes, there is significant heartache along the way. Unlike a pregnancy where you know when to expect your child, you have no idea when that beautiful baby in the pictures will be yours to love and raise. There is not an adoptive parent out there that just skips around in absolute ignorance of what is going on and does not watch every step of the way with hope and fear.
You would be hard pressed to find an adoptive parent that believes that their adoption request should be accepted at face value and they should be handed their child immediately. Before they are even allowed to accept a child, they go through rigorous screening and testing to ensure their capability to raise a child. They fully understand that this needs to be done to ensure the safety of the child. I am sure most are also understanding that the foreign government needs the time to do the same thing for the same reasons.
You want to complain about "ugly Americans". Take a good, long look around you. Whether they are adopting or not, there are quite a few of these. At this time, no matter our individual behavior, this is what it is assumed that we all are when out of this country. Do you not watch the news or pay attention to the world around you. How many innocent Americans have been killed at this point simply because they are American. Do you want to change that? Do you truly want to make an effort to help third world countries? Then develop a clue. Our country is the biggest problem this world faces right now. Third world countries do not get the help we could provide them because of the corruption at home. You want to insult and fight and rail against against the machine, do it against them not us. Pick the right fight. You are trying to force something that CANNOT happen before other domestic policies and situations are handled.
While I agree with some statements you make about our responsibilities after our children come home, I will not condone your behavior. I will not thank you for making ugly comments about adoptive parents and then trying to sugar coat it at the end. I see you for what you are. Regardless of previous writings that are supposedly so sensitive, your true personality comes through in this. I have seen your behavior on other forums and there has never been any sensitve remarks made by you. Its time for you to put up or shut up. Those of us trying to improve not only our situation at home but those situations that are affecting the world as a whole, do not want to hear your whining any longer.
Posted by: Michelle at May 12, 2006 10:59 AMMichelle,
You are entitled to your opinions and I am not going to debate or censor. Though in the future please do try to avoid personal attacks.
What I would ask of you is to realize that an open letter is to the community as a whole, not to any individual. So no, one parent does not control the ball of string but we as a community do. I would also ask that your read the prior two open letters to adoption professionals and governments. I think you need to put them all together to comprehend what I am getting at. There is much blame to go around for why adoption systems are not as they should be.
And as for me. I'm not always the softest guy out there. But on the same note, I have helped coutnless people who would say I am quite sympathetic. And I have worked to reform things as much as anybody can. I push agencies. I have pushed politicians.
You've got me all wrong on much of this. Attack my views all you want, that's totally cool. But until you have read every private e-mail I have sent and know everything I have been involved with, you don't know what you're saying.
Kevin
Guatadopt.com