Open Letter Four - The General Populace

My last open letter is to the general populace. Unlike hte others, this one needs no warnings or preambles. Interestingly enough, a member of our local adoptive families group just had an article published dealing with much the same topic. So if you're interested in reading it, click here.

An open letter to the general populace about intercountry adoption
By Kevin Kreutner

The very fact you are reading this right now puts you ahead of the pack. Nonetheless, you could probably use a little bit of perspective.

There are thousands of ordinary American families each year that grow through this crazy thing called intercountry adoption. The people involved in intercountry adoption have gone to extraordinary lengths to become parents. They have endured infertility, miscarriages, stress beyond belief, and a whole lot of soul searching before finally bringing that adorable little foreign child home.

While most adoptive parents are very proud of how they grew their family, it was still a life changing experience and it can in some ways be a very personal and private endeavor. No matter how proud and open we seem, we also have a natural amount of insecurity and defensiveness about the whole experience.

You need to be sensitive about this!

This is not to imply that is wrong to approach someone and ask a question. Your curiosity and interest are natural and many parents love the attention. But you also have to do so with an aura of caution and the realization that intercountry adoption goes deep into our being.

You need to be sure to choose your words carefully so as not to offend. We realize that most of the time you intend no harm. But you can also be very insensitive simply due to the fact that you haven’t been though our experience.

So let’s embark on a little linguistics lesson…

Scenario one: You want to find out from someone how much it costs to adopt a child. Which do you think is the best way to ask someone?
a.) How much did you buy your son for?
b.) I heard it costs a fortune to get a kid. What did you pay?
c.) I have a friend that is interested in adopting. She mentioned that it can be really expensive. Would you mine telling me what the fees were like for you?

Scenario two: You are curious if a child was adopted and where they were born. How should you best ask?
a.) Boy does she ever have the most beautiful almond shaped eyes! Where was she born?
b.) Where did you get her?
c.) Is she yours? How’d that happen?

Believe it or not, there are people that use the obviously wrong ways to ask. And then they will likely find themselves making the adoptive parent uncomfortable and defensive. How you ask questions and reflect your interest can make all the difference to the well-being of the adoptive parent.

You must realize that our family unit is every bit as real and pure as that of a biological family. Don’t ask questions about the child’s “real mom” to her adoptive mother. Her adoptive mother is her real mother! The other lady is her biological or birth mother. Any adoptive parent can tell you that we don’t view our children as our adopted kids, they are just our sons and daughters.

Lastly, if you know someone who is in the midst of an adoption, give that person some space. Let them talk to you about it when comfortable. There is nothing more difficult for a person struggling with the emotions of being in process then to get asked fifty times a day whether they have any new news or know when the child is coming home. Each time someone does this, it is like a dagger being stuck in the heart and piercing straight into the soul.

We realize that you mean no harm. But you need to realize that there are limits to our strength. It’s okay to be curious and give us a second look. But don’t stare at us. It’s okay to ask us a question about it. But use caution with your words and feel us out for how much we are comfortable talking about it. Let us be if you sense an ounce of hesitance. And always, without fail, remember that we are just a normal family with parents who love their kids.