Very interesting article. It brought several thoughts to mind:
1) There's no perfect strategy, no absolute "right" method; just raise them as individuals, and give them love;
2) They'll be adults, hopefully able to make rational decisions. The best we can do is give them tools to find themselves in their world.
3) Do #1 and #2, and they'll reciprocate the love.

I agree that there's no perfect strategy, but it takes much more than raising our kids as individuals and giving them love. Essentially, just giving them love was the advice that was given to the families of Korean adoptees. This just led to a lot of feelings of anger and alienation, because these kids had no tools for dealing with racism, for relating to Korean-Americans and Korean culture etc.

The article was very interesting and provided a lot of food for thought but I took away a couple of points: 1) We need to do a better job of talking about racism with our kids; and 2) we really should be trying to bring Latinos into our lives, to educate us as a-parents and to give our kids meaningful rolemodels.

I personally think that Spanish is also important for our kids -- because it gives them the tools for learning about Guatemala on their own terms and to fit in better in many Latino settings.

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2009/08/23/one_overseas_adoptee_explains_parents_embrace_of_the_home_culture_can_have_its_costs/

This was an outstanding article and it made a lot of very good points.
1) The importance of APs relaxing. I really laughed when I read that because I frequently feel that APs are so worried. While I was waiting for my daughter’s adoption process to complete, I ran into a very successful man that had immigrated from India to the US. He said something to me that I really cherish. He said, “Believe that you deserve to succeed and believe that you will succeed.” My gut instinct tells me that a lot of APs feel guilt and feel that they don’t deserve to be successful in raising their child.
2) We should develop friendships with people from our child’s birth culture, not just learn about the culture and go to cultural events. This shows our child that we like people who look like them. I’m glad that I have deep friendships with several Latinos.
3) Don’t over romanticize the birth culture. Lets be honest. All cultures have their pros and their cons. I think that over romanticizing is an indication of being very uptight about cultural/racial topics.
4) Don’t give our children the impression that we expect them to fit into their birth culture. They will be Guatemalan Americans. They will be influenced a great deal by the American culture.
5) Allow our children to defy clichés.
6) Let them find their own way.
7) Accept our children as individuals.
8) Help them to be proud of who they are.
9) Allow them to vent. I think this means allowing them to feel their feelings rather than pushing their feelings down.

For me, I also want to add that I look for people who will be positive influences on my child. I have shared this philosophy before with APs and I have gotten the feeling that they think that if I try to instill a positive attitude in my child that that automatically means I will be teaching my child to ignore and not explore their feelings. However, I don’t think that doing one automatically means that you are not doing the other. This isn’t a black white kind of thing. It is a synthesis. The author talked about the “middle road” but I think a more appropriate description is a “synthesis.”

And I also agree with Lee's post. It is important to be aware that our children will face racism. We should try to prepare them for how to deal with it. If we ignore the fact that they will deal with racism, they are going to feel ashamed when they encounter it. They will think, "Mommy and daddy never said that this would happen. They act like this should never happen and therefore there must be something wrong with me because this is happening." Hope I'm being clear in what I'm saying.

Just my ten cents worth.

Kindest Regard, Cheryl Eichstaedt

Thanks for sharing this article. I recently had an enlighting experience at a Guat picnic with a teen adoptee. This child attended the same high school as my husband and we struck up a conversation with him. He looked very uncomfortable at the "reunion" and my husband asked him his thoughts on participating in these events. He stated to us both that he didn't care for them because he couldn't relate. He grew up in the US and didn't really feel any connection to Guatemala other than being born there. He was raised as if there were no difference between him and the couples bio children. The picnic, for him, brought attention to the fact that he was different some how, even though he'd been raised that he wasn't. His other siblings (biological) did not attend any type of events like this. I understood his point. I'm sure this will also be different from person to person. Not right or wrong, but these were his feelings and it gave our family a lot to think about.

Kelly,

Thanks for sharing that. I think it underscores that "birthculture" needs to be a family affair -- not just something for the child. That teenage boy's other siblings should've been at the picnic too.

In our family, some of our birthculture activities are parent-only, whether it's reading books about Guatemala/Guatemalan lit, or attending a Ricardo Arjona concert (our son's still a bit too young).

I also appreciated Cheryl's post -- we APs need to relax. I think one way to be more relaxed is to tailor any cultural activities to our kids' interests, rather than "it's something Guatemalan, you've got to go." Also fully agree about having friends who look like our kids - diverse friends period. It's also by far the hardest thing for most people to do.

I agree though that our kids will ultimately develop their own identity, and it may well shift over time. At some point, we as parents have to step back.

We've always subscribed to the philosophy that we want to raise a happy healthy "child"...not a happy healthy "adopted child" or a happy healthy "guatemalan adopted child". Please don't misunderstand....we aren't trying to erase these facts....just not making them the central defining characteristics of who they are as people and individuals. We want to know WHO they are inside...what makes them special and all that comes with that. Speaking as an adult adoptee...and I don't make this a central part of any of my posts...and as a matter of fact, this is the first time I have ever mentioned it in this forum...it doesn't have to be "who you are"! It is one piece of the puzzle.

Focusing on who your child is and who they can be....that is the key! and enjoying every single moment is the goal...for us!

Thank you for sharing this article.

I grew up with three other children who were adopted from the Korea and Vietnam. They mirrored these exact feeling with me as adults.

Even though I look like my adoptive family, I don't fit in at all. I had my own journey to find out who I was and can only imagine what my children might go through as they grow up.

I think we need to follow our childrens lead. I bought my son a gift from Guatemala for every one of his birthdays. His most recent birthday-he opened his Guatemalan gift and looked at me and said--Mom I don't live there anymore.

On another grop that I belong to, one of the parents posted an article about the development of racism in children. You can find the article at:
http://www.newsweek .com/id/214989

I found the article incredibly interesting. I posted the following on that group's forum and I thought I'd share it here.

I think I'm very comfortable talking about race. *shrug* I don't know why.

The article talked about how that desegrated environments can result in more racism. I have definitely noticed this to be true. I grew up in rural Nebraska. Many people assume that people from all whtie or almost all white environments have a much higher probability of being racist. But I have noticed that many people from all white or almost all white backgrounds are extremely open minded, almost naive. There are stereotypes that I never heard about until I was an adult.

About 10 years ago, I and a crowd of people were watching a trainer talk about a cheetah at the Oakland zoo. The cheetah was quite close and of course on the other side of the fence. Next to me was a little African American girl about 5 years old and her mother. She very curiously started stroking my arm. Her mother was horrified and told her to stop it. I laughed, looked the child deep in the eyes with a very big smile and said, "Curiosity is a good thing. It means that you are open minded." I took her little hand in mine and I stroked her hand across my arm. I said, "My skin is white and it is nice." Then I stroked her arm and I said, "Your skin is brown and it is also nice. We both have very nice skin." She beamed with this huge smile and nodded her head yes.

A few weeks ago, my almost 3 year old daughter saw a picture of an African American on a movie. She pointed at the person and said, "Mama, what that?" I told her that they were "African American." I pulled out my small map of the world and told her, "Mama's ancestors are from Europe. That person's ancestors are from Africa. Your ancestors are from Latin America and most of their ancestors migrated from ASia to Latin America." She was tuning me out before I finished my little lecture.

I'm Jewish and I'm caucasian. There is a lot of tension between Caucasians and Blacks and there is a lot of tension between Jews and Muslims. I have had very close friends that are black and that are Muslim. Some of them would not have been my friends if I had not brought up the subjects. When a couple of Black co-workers were talking about some comedy show that had Black actors in it, I pointed at my arm and I said with a big mischievious smile, "You see this? This is VERY white." They cracked up laughing and it really broke the tension that I had been feeling between us. My daughter's baby sitter, Farah, is Muslim from Iran. I have openly discussed politics in the middle east with Farah and her husband, Mike. I think we have become rather good friends.

Why are Caucasians so uncomfortable talking about race? I think a lot of us feel guilty/ashamed about the role that our race has played in the pain that other races have experienced. In my opinion, the discomfort in talking about racism is a kind of emotional reactiveness.

Best, Cheryl

I'm really interested in a list of children's books to help my daughter develop positives attitudes about people of all races. I'd also like a list of children's books to help her learn how to deal with racism when she encounters it. If you know of any that you recommend, please send me the title and the author's name.